Mr. Unrequited Love
This time two years ago, I was at a person’s home, a home I
had thought was mine, crying and watching the movie The Holiday. In the first
scene of this film, Kate Winslet’s character is writing a newspaper article and
drudging on about her own unrequited love story. At 32 years old, I didn’t know
what the term unrequited love meant. I looked it up and instantly found myself
freshly out of a relationship with a person, who I could only deduce, didn’t
love me back. And so we have “The one who didn’t love me back”, or “Mr. Unrequited
Love”. I have this idea, this dream, that the perfect match, or even at the
very least, the match that I end up with, will have a minimal desire to love me
back. A partner is out there, who wants to love me back, because living a life
without me would be the end of all endings.
For an extended amount of time, I admit, I was with a man, a
grown man, who was selfish. Selfish at almost every turn, and yet, I loved him.
Now, perhaps my soured viewpoint today is because our relationship ended two
years ago, and I just can’t seem to recall any of the times he was selfless.
Isn’t there something to be said for that though? Of course there WERE good
times, or I wouldn’t have stayed. In truth I was infatuated. I thought he was
my person.
It all started before I even knew. It was December 2015 and I
was volunteer bartending a funeral or “Celebration of Life” at the Elks Lodge.
As the event was winding down, and I was trying to cut out for the night, a
handsome gentleman approached me. It was just at the wrong time. You know the
saying – “When you least expect it, it will happen”? Well I wasn’t really
expecting it, but all at once 4 men in my life were all approaching me and I
didn’t know what to do. THIS man, approached me and stood out from all the
rest. Unbeknownst to me, someone we mutually knew had told him ALL about me,
and that was his “in” on this occasion.
“So, I know you went to Stephens College, I know you majored
in Theatre. I know you are going to Australia soon, to see an old boyfriend, I
know you work like three jobs, I know you are funny, you love McGinty’s,
Karaoke, and you love to travel….” I mean this guy knew it all. He knew so much
about me, that I wanted to categorize him as a stalker and duck out quickly
watching my back at each turn. He asked me to have a drink with him that night,
which I declined, I had to get home to Sweet Opie.
About 6 month and a trip halfway around the world later, I
put something on social media saying I was thinking of going to the Elks Lodge.
That night, I’m in the parking lot of the Lodge and what do you know Mr.
Unrequited Love comments on my post, saying “You should totally come up here”.
What’s a girl to do? I was already in the parking lot. I walked in, sat at the
bar alone, and tried to not notice the cute stalker man sitting at a table with
a couple of mutual friends. I sat there at the bar on my Ipad, drinking a
beverage and not more than 30 minutes in, he
comes over. “Hey, good to see you again, you should come join us at our table
so you aren’t all alone.” Of course I lied and said I preferred to be alone. He
comes back a while later, “Oh come on, come over to our table and talk with
us”. Again- I explain it’s been a long day, and I’m just trying to relax alone.
Third time he comes over and says “Just do a shot with me, its harmless”. I
agree to a shot to get him off my case, and down the hatch it goes. I stay in my seat at the bar, legs crossed in
my chair, intently engaged in my Ipad, and he goes back to his table. Sometime
in the next hour, the bar has gotten busy, it’s loud, and I find myself singing
in my chair feeling a little buzzed and relaxed from the long work day, now feeling
a bit curious about the guy at the table nearby. Just as the songs change to a quick
one, he approaches again “Dance with me” not a request, but more of a demand. Let’s
face it, as I’ve written before, it’s my number one rule. If a man asks you to
dance, you dance, as there is no harm that can come from it, and you will save
yourself from hurting a man’s ego. Little did I know, this guy’s ego was the
LAST thing I needed to worry about injuring. The problem here, was that he was
a GREAT dancer. He spun me around the floor just like I liked it, with ease and
without instruction.
One thing leads to another and we were full on dating.
Ok, don’t hate me, he at some point in there, admits he is
technically married, but has been trying to finalize a divorce from his “crazy
wife” for over a year, and promises that it’s almost over. His family and
friends all confirm that she’s nuts. Here’s the thing, the more I spent time
with him, the more I was intrigued and the faster I fell for him. He was a
smart ass, which is apparently my go to feature in a man. He was aggressive
enough about wanting to see me and spend time with me, and that’s frankly all
it took.
We spent all of our available time together. I went on my
favorite trip to date, with my girlfriend to Europe, and all I could think of
throughout my days there, were “I wonder what he’s doing” “I wish he were here”
“I wish we were together”. A few months later… he introduced his amazing kiddos
to me. A few months after that, we moved in together. He bought a house, and
for the first time in my life, I got a glimpse of what it would be like to have
a family of my own. I helped to decorate the kid’s rooms so that they would
feel comfortable and happy in their new home that they had no real choice in
sharing with me. I made from scratch matching Christmas pajamas for the family.
I made Halloween costumes, I made dinners, I baked desserts for family
gatherings, I did the laundry, I offered tutoring help, I did the cleaning, I went
to every kid’s extra-curricular activity that I possibly could and I LOVED
it. I thought that I was supporting those kids. I was putting in a lot of work
for the kids and family to let me in as their own and one day accept me.
Somewhere in all of this, things started getting hard. Some
of his family just couldn’t be pleased. They had no idea what was really going
on with our family or everyday life, but whatever I did was wrong. Sure the
kids acted out against me, but I have to still convince myself that it wasn’t
truly against me, rather them acting out against the idea of having a stepmom
figure that they (in the middle of adolescence) didn’t want or need. In this
family, the kids in the family simply rule the roost. Whatever they say, is
truth without question. Mr. Unrequited Love even had told me, no matter what,
his kids were always going to come first. Which, I understand, but also don’t
completely agree with. Knowing that the day always comes when the kids move
out, go off and start families of their own, and then the parents’ only option
is to turn to their partner again. I see the importance of making that
relationship an important priority. I mean at the end of the day, I was never
saying “No, let’s not go to X game/event so we can have alone time”, I truly
enjoyed putting his kids as my first a lot of the time too, and yet it wasn’t
enough.
With all of this going on, and us into our 2.5 yrs of
dating, we were going to Europe on a vacation that we had been planning for a
very long time. The trip came and went. We got into a fight on the trip that I
just couldn’t shake. Somehow he brought up engagement, and how people had kept
asking him if he was going to propose on our big trip… Apparently he wasn’t,
but I can’t help feel that he thought I had been perpetuating the idea to our
friends and family, which is absolutely the furthest thing from truth. We had, at this point
in our relationship absolutely, had conversations about shitting or getting off
the pot. I had clearly said from the beginning of our relationship that I may
want kids and marriage in my future, and that he needed to be honest if that’s
not what he wanted. At several points in our time together, we discussed- is
that ok, do we want the same things? Mr. Unrequited Love always would say
things like “I just don’t know what I want” This should have been a red flag,
but I kept thinking to myself – who WOULD’NT want what we have? We laughed
together, we drank well together, we danced well together, and we were able to
actually have adult conversations instead of fights about issues. WHO DOES
THAT?
December 2018 rolls around and my family is up having
Christmas in Columbia at our house, and someone says something about “What are
your intentions with my daughter?” and all hell breaks loose. I ended up mad at
my family for bringing it up, when in
all actuality I should have been livid with Mr. Unrequited Love’s lack of
response. Within the next week, we have our first ever real arguments and one
thing leads to another. The night before Christmas Eve, Mr. Unrequited Love
finally fesses up- “I don’t think I can make you happy… I don’t want to get
married and I don’t want any more kids”. . . I was blindsided. I mean we never
even had arguments. I could have seen this coming if we never got along or had
screaming matches, but he and I ourselves never had issues. His family, as I
said had issues with me, which is a whole other story. Shocked and tearing up,
I ask “What if I settle for one of the two, would you marry me and have no more
kids, or have another child and not marry?” His response was “No”. This was the end of "Kitty and Dick". I sat there in that house that night, not wanting to impose on any of my friends so close to Christmas.
Too shocked to think of going to a hotel, watching The Holiday and making new
best friends with Kate Winslet’s character, convincing myself that I still have
some gumption in me. Blindsided with the disgusting feeling that I had just
spent 2.5 years wrapped up in unrequited love.
You may be reading this and thinking to yourself- Surely
there were other problems that compounded to this moment. I’ve spared you the
details of what the kids put me through, because that should have been things
we as adults could overcome, and they were kids- just poorly expressing their
feelings. I’ve told you nothing about my poor experiences with his mother,
ex-wife, or half-sister, because as I was taught, if you have nothing good to
say, say nothing. Truly from my vantage point Mr. Unrequited Love and I had
manageable issues that are similar to everyone else’s. The trouble I saw, for
the very first time, was that Mr. Unrequited Love didn’t love me back. I think
he liked the idea of me, but I don’t think he ever loved me the same that I
loved him. If someone loves you, they are willing to make small sacrifices,
stand up for you to their family, and persevere through it all because they
know you are their person. They know that the small sacrifice is nothing
compared to a life lived without their person.
I have the absolute best friends family a single gal could
ask for. FRIENDS took me in as family on Christmas that year, although Mr.
Unrequited Love had so kindly (Puke) invited me to stay and watch the kids
unwrap the presents I had bought and carefully wrapped for them. I found an
apartment the day after Christmas. FRIENDS rallied behind me and held my hand
as I packed. They helped me leave the house that I had painted, decorated, and
had made a home.
Less than a month later, Mr. Unrequited love was dating a woman that he had introduced me to earlier in our relationship- an acquaintance that was a lodge member. They dated for about a year. Six months into their relationship he came to me, telling me all the right things- I want to break up with her yadda yadda, although he didn’t actually have the balls…. Not TOO long after he finally did break up with that woman, and ironically – just when his alimony payments were ending, his ex-wife moved back in. I think this was the worst part of my pain. To hear that a woman I spent years of my life, helping a partner (so I thought) get over, was now BACK. A woman that his family members proclaimed to dislike… It was a dagger to the heart. Taking a step back, I have to say- if they are able to stick together until those kids are of legal age, that’s the positive take away.
SO, here we are back at where we
all started. Mr. Unrequited Love is back with his wife, and helping to raise
her very young son from another Mr.. Its funny in the end of our relationship, he had told
me he didn’t want to be married or have more kids HAHAHA talk about ironic. Here
I am, looking for someone that realizes the small sacrifice is nothing compared
to a life lived without me. Looking for that partner who wants to love me back,
because living a life without me would be the end of all endings. Here I am,
finding my gumption again, and taking on the role of Leading Lady in my own
love life.
Lady Lesson #131
Acknowledge red flags- Whether you
get out or keep moving forward, it’s important to acknowledge that your body is
trying to send you a message. I don’t like to live in the “coulda shoulda
woulda” mindset. I don’t regret this relationship, but I could have moved on a
hell of a lot sooner, had I listened to the red flags
Lady Lesson #24
HOLD OUT- Hold out for the person
that treats you better than any other human on the planet. I may be holding out
until my deathbed, but I’m not going to end up living my life miserable with
someone who doesn’t truly love me back.
Lady Lesson #312
Don't be a "Suga Momma" I spent those years paying for trips to Mexico, Las Vegas, Jamaica, and Europe. Telling myself that it was all short term and that someday once the man was finished paying alimony we would share more in those expenses, and he would be able to treat me in those special ways WRONG. I was used. Don't be used.
Gentleman Lesson #41
Know what you want and be honest. Had Mr. Unrequited Love been honest with himself and me from the beginning, maybe we would have each been spared this blogpost. I know he always wanted to be in a blog of mine, it’s just that I always wanted him to be the last blog I’d ever have to write, and he didn’t seem to have a preference.
