I will admit that I have been in a slump as of late. I had a fling over the summer, that I promised not to put to paper. I will respect that request. This mystery man and I also decided that it was silly to keep each other tied down, while living half a country away from each other. You see, I recently made a big move to sunny Los Angeles, CA, I like to call it la la land, because it's like I'm living in a dream. The people are all gorgeous and it makes me feel a little less than confident about myself, and I am one pretty cool chick!
I decided that I needed to try something new. I needed to meet new people. I decided at age 24 it was time that I tried online dating. That's right I said it. I was bored one night with nothing to do, and too much Absolut vodka in my system. That's the story I am sticking to. I started creating a free profile on OK Cupid.com. I said that I was some new girl in town, from the Midwest, in need of someone to show her around LA.
Immediately I was an online success. I had a huge fan base in a matter of an hour. I was chatting online to four guys at once. Most of these people were crazy whack jobs, but there were a couple of seemingly normal ones. With in the hour I had two dates lined up for the week.
The first guy had a standard name. Nothing special about it. He asked to take me to the fair, and for some reason I was ecstatic about it. The only thought in my mind was funnel cake. A taste of something deep-fried would remind me of home! I met this man who would later earn the nick name "Beat It", at his home. Looking back on it that was a horrible mistake. I should have met him at the fair where I could make a quick getaway if necessary. Beat It was 6'4'' and decent looking. I have to say he looked exactly like his photos, which was a lovely surprise. I was expecting him to be the most unattractive man I had ever seen.
We met, went to the fair, and had a wonderful time. We spent the entire day together acting like children. I had an entire funnel cake to myself and we rode rides all day long. It was a great first date idea, and I cancelled the date I had made with online date guy #2. It wasn't until the second date with Beat It, that I decided to mention the quiz. The quiz that determines if the guy I am dating has paid enough attention. Passing the quiz allows a man to pass first base landing on second, which is usually followed closely by third and then home! Beat It was made well aware that he was going to have to pass the quiz if he wanted to go anywhere below the shirt with me.
We had a few dates and things progressed rather quickly. I was just thankful to have something taking up my spare time. I was getting to experience the city, and get to know a relatively normal man from CA. Life was good. Beat It asked me to stay over at his home overlooking the ocean. I agreed under the pretense that Beat It was not anywhere close to passing the quiz. He had taken one version and failed. After all, the woman is ALWAYS in control of these situations.
We put a netflix movie on, and within minutes he made his move. I sternly told him that he had not passed the quiz. He tried and failed. Then we finished watching the movie and I fell asleep.
You know how, the first time you sleep at someone's home it is really hard to sleep well? This night was no exception. I must have been in a very light slumber because I awoke to some kind of muffled noise. Its like something was moving. I was completely still, I was trying to figure out if I was really awake or not. Then it hit me, I was in someone else's home, what WAS that noise? I could hear something moving briskly. I looked over at the other side of the bed. The man was not there. I thought to myself that Beat It had probably gone to the bathroom. I turned over on my side to try to sleep some more, and at that moment that I moved, the noise stopped. I sat up and looked around, to no avail. Whatever it was stopped and I fell back into a light sleep. I then woke up again, maybe 5 minutes later, to the noise happening again. I stayed very still. It sounded the same, just some kind of quiet movement. I laid there thinking to myself what it could be. Then a few seconds later....Beat It popped up from lying on the floor in front of the bed. I am NOT joking. This man had been lying on the floor, possibly watching me sleep, and beating one out.
Now please tell me what a girl is supposed to do in this situation? I laid very still as I watched "Beat It" leave the room NAKED to go to the bathroom. I laid there trying not to laugh, and trying to not be weirded out. This man's bed was a California King, so when he returned I remained on my side of the bed feet away from him, with my back to him. I laid there for the longest time, thinking..."Is that normal? Why the hell was he doing it lying on the floor...NAKED.... Well at least he didn't pressure me to have sex with him!" I fell asleep.
Perhaps several hours later I awoke again. This time there was noise again, but this time the noise was closer to me. I instantly knew what it was. He was at it for a second time! This time he was lying right beside me in bed. Was he watching me? I had to know. I rolled over quickly in one motion as if I had "Just woke up" Sure enough he was looking right at me, eyes wide open. I acted as if I had no idea what was going on, smiled a small smile, and closed my eyes. My body now was facing him, and I knew it would be awhile before he started going at it again. I laid there trying to keep my breathing steady so that he would think that I was asleep again. It must have worked because probably ten minutes later he started up again. Initially I was trying the hardest I possibly could to hold in my laughter. I couldn't hold my face frozen any longer and I decided that I HAD to roll over, so he couldn't see my face. I stretched and yawned my best "real" I just woke up stretch and yawn that I could, and turned over.
Beat It stopped immediately. I was out of my mind at this point and could not believe what was happening. I played the waiting game, and sure enough he started up again. He finished, left the room, and returned to go to sleep? I was wondering how often in one night this occurred. I fell asleep again and this time for good. I don't know how I was able to sleep but I managed and the next morning I made an excuse to leave relatively soon after.
The end of this story is tragic, so I would rather end here, however I would like to say that masturbation is natural and I am not against it. I do it myself, but I don't do it while I have another relatively new person asleep next to me in bed....
Lady Rule #17:
Always remember that you are in charge of ALL physical situations. If a man starts beating one out while you are sleeping, it is best to play "asleep". The alternative will only lead to an awkward situation. Also, if you feel the urge to try online dating, it COULD lead to a very interesting story to tell the grandkids!
Gentleman Rule #17:
If a lady does not want to have sex with you, it IS true that you will be masturbating a little longer until she is ready. This does not mean that you masturbate literally behind her back (or hiding on the floor) while she is "sleeping". You never know when she will wake up and catch you in the act!
Men out there, please chime in and tell me if this is a normal thing, and I am just some naive girl.
