Once upon a time, I was dating the jackass previously mentioned *See Golden Confidence, when along came a cute man, waltzing into the bar I worked at. I found him to be a pilot, charming, and a smart ass, much like myself. I was instantly interested, but I was loyal to the jackass, and pursued nothing with said pilot. He left me his number and a note, mentioning he would fly me to his home in Memphis, to see a touring Broadway show. Pilot came into my bar several times over the course of a year, each time we would flirt, he would leave me his number, and I would never call. I just thought that all of his flirting was due to his alcohol consumption.
About 6 months after my breakup with the Jackass, the pilot just happened to walk into my bar again. I suggested we get to know each other better, and he went home with me that very night. We stayed up talking until 6am. The next weekend he arranged for me to fly to Memphis, which might be the ONLY promise he ever kept to me. On that visit to Memphis, he did the most memorable sweet thing, a man has ever done for me. We went out for dinner, and as we were leaving the restaurant it started pouring, which ruined our plans. We didn't have an umbrella with us, so this man actually swept me off my feet, and ended up carrying me through the streets, so my feet wouldn't get soaked. Isn't THAT romantic. People were looking at us like we were crazy. I remember laughing the entire time to the car. I had a wonderful time that weekend, we had chemistry, and for two months he flew to Columbia to see me whenever he could.
One of my favorite memories of him was the time he signed himself into my dorm building as Al E. Gator. He did this late one night after we had been out cocktailing, as he calls it. I thought that it was really funny, until I was punished for it. Our res life staff at the college, didn't think it was very funny at all, and I was sentenced to write a two page double spaced, 12 point, times new roman font, paper on why it was inappropriate to let a guest sign in with a pseudonym. It was a funny story to tell people and it pretty much summed up why I liked him. He was spontaneous, creative, and charming.
We also shared a strange love for rapping, which is hilarious, only because we are two very white people. Eventually I wrote and performed for him a Valentine's day rap. This was one of those moments when I put my heart out there, even though I'm pretty sure I looked like an idiot. It was just stupid lyrics, not about love, but about us. Sadly for me, that was the last visit he made to Columbia. Rhymnocerous called less and less frequently. I have NO idea where I went wrong. I soon became mildly deranged with the idea that maybe he had died or become injured while flying planes. I dismissed these delusions when one day, news feed on facebook told me that he had just become friends with someone. *Pilot is now friends with Jane Doe*
I went for a long time wondering what happened, and then one day out of the blue about 6 months later, he re-entered my life. He apologized, stating that things had gotten too serious too fast for him, and that he was immature for not telling me what happened, and running away. I believed his every word, I am a quick forgiver, and I was anxious to see how great things could be with this guy. He started making promises to come visit. Once he chose tennis, then promised another time, and couldn't make it for some other reason. Then he finally promised me that he would see me before New Years that year. You guessed it, he failed to make that happen too. Like I said, I can forgive almost anything, if you ask me to. Instead of telling me why he couldn't make it this time, it seems like he had disappeared again, without a word.
I wanted to go crazy and leave him angry messages, I wanted to ask why he could'nt seem to get it together, but I know that I am slightly afraid of what his answers would be. Now he will never know, what he could have had, but messed up twice.
Universal rule # 5
Long distance can be a success, if you work at it. Beware long distance also allows for one or both parties to vanish almost with out a trace, leaving the other party perplexed by the other species.
I believe that we make time for the things we want to make time for. I was just not that thing for him, like he was for me. I have learned, and now I move on. Happy Birthday to me!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
Mr. Will you marry me after only one date!
There are probably millions of Justin's out there, because most parents are not creative enough to pick something unique, for their kids names. Maybe they think that naming their kid Justin, will save them from enduring teasing, because of a more creative name like Apple, or a modern day Moses, however I think that having a unique name sets the tone for a child's life, giving them ample opportunities to make mistakes, and then to give the excuse that it was the parents fault for giving them a horrible name.
Back to the point, seeing how there are, by my calculations, millions of Justin's out there, you are unlikely to ever meet the one I am talking about. However, if you ever meet a Justin that fits this description, help a lady out and splash your drink in his face, and contact me, at which point I will reimburse you for your spilt cocktail!
I met Justin at Karaoke Tuesday, this particular night, ( I state this as a defense for the events that occur later) I was partaking in perhaps one too many cocktails. Justin approached me after I sang and gave me many praises, as is to be expected. He spoke with me a few minutes, and asked me if he could "have the honor of escorting me to dinner" of course I accepted, he spoke nice, and I was drunk. The next day he text me to make arrangements. That very week, he was picking me up at 7:00 for dinner. His car was an immaculately clean Lexus. Justin did not quite resemble what my memory had pieced together from several nights ago. He happened to be my height, and slightly balding prematurely at a young 27. I could actually handle both of these things, if he had not been a dating idiot, in fact I actually find some bald men very attractive.
Justin opened my car door, which earned him a few points early on. We arrive at the restaurant, and sit down to have a nice awkward first date dinner. Without consulting me, he took the liberty of ordering an appetizer which sounded foreign to me. Normally I think that having a man order for me is alright, however, I am a terribly picky eater (I am in no way proud of this fact), and Justin had no idea because he didn't know me at all. When the appetizer came out, it was nothing that I would ever try in a million years. Justin had the nerve to make agitated remarks about my non willingness to try something new. He was scolding me on our first date, this pissed me off.
Our entrees came next and the conversation got worse. Justin started asking what my future plans were, which was nice, but he seemed disappointed with my passion for live performance. He continued by talking about his future plans. These plans consisted of marrying the next girl that he started dating seriously. He asked me if I saw myself married in the next one to two years. Naturally, as a woman, I heard him proposing to me. All women hear differently than men, and we hear every little thing they say as proposals of marriage, which is one reason why men are afraid of us! I was shocked and appalled by his forwardness, and I just wanted to go home. However, he drug me through an annoying movie.
During the movie, he didn't whisper things to me, he spoke them aloud at his normal speaking volume. This is the most annoying thing to me, as an avid movie goer. No I do not think that guy is hilarious for driving his tricycle naked into a freezing pond, I think that he is maybe without a functioning brain, and most of all I want to think these thoughts to myself, instead of annoying the poor people around me, who are stuck listening to your commentary!
He drove me home. We were silent most of the way, until sitting in the parking lot outside my building. I was respectfully saying thank you for dinner, and the stupid movie, which he refused to let me pay for any of. I personally always offer to pay, especially under circumstances where I know that I will not be dating with this person ever again! We were sitting there and he went in, for what I thought to be an awkward car hug, and most unfortunately for me, it turned out to be an even more awkward car kiss! I failed to mention earlier that Justin had been growing a grizzly mustache/beard combo, which now looking back on, was probably psychological. My theory is that he was growing this to make up for his premature balding. This meant that when he grabbed my head and pulled it to his face, I was seriously molested by his prickly friends. Occasionally I find some scruff to be sexy, but the way he forced his onto me, was traumatizing, and unbearable. I pulled away as soon as I could, and walked to my door, when I heard him yell out "I'll call you!".
A week later he asked me to karaoke with him. Seeing how I never miss a week, I said (sigh) I will just see you there. When I arrived he was glued to my hip, and cock blocked me all night. He even dedicated some awful song to me. So you might ask yourself: What's a girl to do? Well at the end of this night, I said to him " I am not interested in marrying you". One would assume that, that would do the trick, however it did not. Justin continued to text me several times, he even asked me if we could spend the holidays together, and if I would go to a movie with him. Was he crazy? I think yes.
Justin recently called me, since I had deleted his number I stupidly answered his call. The events that then occurred over the phone are horrifying and I refuse to relive them! Now and forever he is listed in my phone as : Danger I want to Marry You Justin!
Lady Rule # 4
NEVER erase the numbers of men you hope to never talk to again! Instead simply store them in a fashion which will remind you not to answer
Man Rule # 4
NEVER speak about marriage on a first date, never speak aloud during movies, and NEVER force a woman's face upon your unruly and abrasive facial hair. Oh and lastly never take a "I am not interested in marrying you!" as an invitation to try harder!
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