Once, Twice, Three times a lady, is exactly what happened that fateful weekend, I was entertained by The Repeat Offender.
I was just saying to my friends that since I was getting a little older, I needed to keep my sex number low, and in order to do THAT, I was going to need some men from my past, to cycle through once again. Three nights later Mr. Repeat Offender (Pilot Al E. Gator) gave me a ring. Not a diamond, a cellular ring. A ring I hadn't received in quite some time, he mentioned the fact that he was soon going to be in a city near me. Could the sex Gods have given me a better gift? I think not.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't interested in seeing the man. After all, it had been a couple years since our last encounter, and even though he had treated me poorly in the past, I had decided that I could have meaningless sex with him, (A much needed remedy to my current non existent sex life) all the while keeping my number the exact same! He was only going to be in town for the weekend anyway. Who could blame me, for being enticed at the idea?
It just so happened that I had most of the weekend off, that Mr. Repeat Offender was going to be around. Again, a big high five to the sex Gods! He arrived, and we met once again, it was several years later, and he looked exactly the same. It was as if nothing had changed, he was still a pilot, still cute, and still a smart ass.
We spent the day with his friends, day drinking on a cold wet, LA day. It didn't take long for me to let him and his friends in on the secret, that we WERE going to have sex at some point that day. I mean come on, why beat around the bush? That's the only reason he called me, and thats the only reason I agreed to seeing him again. I've said it before and I will say it again. I will forgive most people for most anything, and that is exactly what was going to happen that night.
I told him he had to, at the very least, buy me dinner, for me to be able to forgive all of his past transgressions, and if you will recall, there were several on that list. The only little snag in our plan was that he was staying in town with friends, on a blow up mattress, in a living room, with another man... We were day drinking too far away from my home, so whats a guy to do when he's been told that he is most certainly going to get laid, and he has no bed of his own? Well in such cases as this, said man rents a hotel room. That is what happened, he booked a room, at 5 pm, at the Hotel California, for that very night.
We continued day drinking, went to dinner and taxi'd it over to the hotel around midnight. It was a passionate night, and we didn't sleep much. The story might have ended here, but I feel compelled to tell you that Mr. Repeat Offender opened his trap of a mouth one more time to promise me something, that I am SURE he will never keep his word to.
After we had had some really GREAT sex, Mr. Pilot, Al E. Gator, said to me "You know at...35 yrs old once I am flying for Southwest, I think I will be ready." Ready for what I asked...."I'll throw the towel in, and marry you." Now lets just take a minute and catch our breathe. First of all...You NEVER talk to a girl about marriage, until you are good and ready to make it happen. Second of all what am I supposed to say to that? He expects me to be around and still single 8 years from now, when HE is 35 and ready to marry me? Excuse me but I am a completely amazing girl. The chances of my being single and willing to marry his stupid self, in 8 years...alright it might be a possibility, but come on!
I want to marry the man that couldn't live another day without me. I don't want to marry the man that needs to go through a few more girls to make sure that I am "THE ONE", or that he is "ready" to marry.
Please keep in mind, that when this man and I are together, everything just works. We don't stumble around for words, we are completely comfortable, and it is as if we understand each other. At least from my point of view it seems that way.
Why is it that men are so stupid? This is something that I am still, after several years of writing this blog, wondering about. Maybe I am not putting out there those "marry me now" signs, because frankly, I have a lot of shit to do before I'm ready, but I want to be best friends with that man, and know I can rely on that future man. How can I rely on pilot for anything, when all he has shown me is his cute ass running away?
He told me that he was at a point in his life where he was starting to turn over new leaves. Maple or Oak is still to be decided, but I was assured that whichever leaf was larger, that was the kind he was turning over. So far I can't say that I believe him. To an extent, I will say that it was a lovely compliment, him telling me I'm his backup for the long haul. On the other hand....
Gentleman Rule #26
We ladies know that marriage is like a jail sentence to most men, we know you don't even like to talk about it, but...If you find a girl that you think would be an awesome 2nd choice for marriage, because you haven't had the opportunity to meet and win over Mila Kunis (your 1st choice) yet, think long and hard about throwing the word marriage around, in any context. Also if you are going to propose to her as a backup plan, maybe make her feel a little special. Try telling her how hot, cool, and smart she is, it might entice her to the idea a little more. Maybe.
Lady Rule #26
Know that you are awesome at all times. Know that you do not have to settle as a backup plan for some man, unless that HE, is Brad Pitt, or someone equally handsome and very generous with his penis. Also if some man from your past comes along and you feel so inclined to sleep with him, a couple of times for your own enjoyment, DO IT!!! In my case it was totally worth it, and it turned out to be so much better than I had remembered!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
The One...(That Ran Away)
Let us go back, waaay back, to the first story I posted almost a year ago. I briefly mentioned a man I referred to at the time, as the Jackass. I couldn't write about that story specifically because I was still very effected by the Jackass. At the time I still worked with the man. Now I am several states away, and I am on much better terms with him. Since then, having dated a good number of people, that all ended up being wrong for me, I now know that The Jackass quite possibly could have been The One. He also happens to be The One, that ran away. Here is his story.
The Jackass is the one that I will compare every guy to in the future. There I said it. He was THAT amazing (when things were good) and he hurt me so profoundly, that now I don't know how to trust any guys.
I met The One a couple of years out of high school. We were both working at the same TGI Fridays, and we were both in different relationships. In fact The One was engaged, at the age of 20! The One made me laugh, and we started spending platonic time together. Soon, I broke off the relationship I was in, because I felt like it was going nowhere, it was complacent. I also had part of my heart on reserve for this military man, I was waiting for, to return, from Iraq.
One night while The One and I were working together, his fiancé came in to have dinner. The One asked me to go over and introduce myself to her. I was hesitant but then marched my little butt over. Now I am NOT proud of what I said to this girl, however its possible that what I said may have saved The One from making a huge mistake with his future. I introduced myself to the girl, said I had heard so much about her and....I might have said...."why don't you let me take a look at MY ring." as in the engagement ring, as in…. the engagement ring that should be mine....Alright already stop hating me! I had no tact and I admit it!
Anyway I think it was the next day at work The One told me that he and the fiancé had, had a major fight the night before...sort of because of me. They ended their relationship soon after. I just want you to know that I truly feel that no one should be engaged at the age of 20. Also FOR THE RECORD, his fiancé was married within the year to another guy, and I'm pretty sure that they got married on the SAME day that she was supposed to marry The One.
Anyway back to the story. I was pretty set on staying single and waiting for my military man to return home, and The One was trying to sway me with his charms. He pointed out that I was wasting time waiting for someone to come home, while I was missing out on the someone that was right in front of me. That pretty much did the trick, and changed my mind. We started seriously dating.
He was the perfect man in my eyes. Let me take a moment to describe The One. The One had blonde curly locks of hair, dimples and calves that were incomparable, and he was a smart ass. Actually, he was the first in a long line of smart asses that I have dated since.
He surprised me, made me laugh, but most importantly he made me feel like no one could hurt me, he protected me, and I liked that. We agreed on everything, including the idea that; if you are not happy in your relationships, you need to get out of them. Life was great, and I was the happiest that I had ever been.
One night tragedy struck, and The One's life would never be the same. I will never forget the events that followed. It was at that point in our relationship that I realized he was The One. I knew that if we could make it through that terrible time, then we could survive anything.
Soon I made the decision to move to Columbia MO, to pursue my dream of becoming an actress. This was a decision made with the support of The One. He was the first person to really motivate me to move towards my dreams. And so, I moved for school, and by spring semester, The One moved to Columbia too. We continued working together at the TGI Fridays in CoMo, we were bartending, and making new friends. I thought we were going to live happily ever after forever. I thought, and often told people, that I KNEW I was destined to marry that man.
To this day, I don't know what exactly happened, but things started getting complacent. I think he was becoming interested in another girl, and I knew the feeling. It was like The One was giving up on what we had made. I felt him distance himself, just as I had distanced myself from my previous boyfriend. I didn't want to admit that things were going south, I tried everything that I could think of to make it better.
One afternoon, I was showering at his house getting ready to go in to work. I heard him knock on the bathroom door, he asked me to come downstairs when I was done. My heart instantly fell. I knew in that moment that it was over. I got out of the shower and went downstairs where I found him sitting with his head in his hands on the couch. I sat down. He told me that I "didn't make him happy anymore". I sat there frozen, not knowing what to do. I was instantly heartbroken for the first time in my life, and I didn't know how to respond.
The One left the house, and I went back upstairs to finish getting ready for work. I sat in front of a mirror, and it was right there that I lost it. I started crying and I couldn't move, for what seemed like an hour. Looking back on it, the worst part of it was that I still had to go into work that night. There was no one who could cover my shift. As I went in to work, I was very composed holding in my anger, frustration, confusion, and unimaginable sadness. Then it happened...one of our bar regulars asked me how The One was, and I lost it all over again. I was crying at work, and no one knew why.
Weeks went by and I continued to be miserable, I was wallowing. For the first time ever, I had lost the most important person in my life. It had the same effects that I think death often does. I think the worst part, was that I had to work with him. Most ex's you can say goodbye to, and you never HAVE to see them again. This killed me. I attempted to be civil, and even friendly, hoping that he would regret his decision. One night while I was working, he said we should talk, and I was stupid enough to think that he wanted to try things again. I was wrong, instead he told me he had started dating another girl that we were working with, we will call her the Hostess. The news instantly threw me into a shock, I hyperventilated from crying so hard. The weird part was that the Hostess actually sort of looked like me. Same build, same hair, same not beautiful, but still pretty, sort of face.
Time moved forward and I was bitter. For the first time in my life I was very very bitter. The One moved on from the Hostess, to other fellow employees, and I took it all with stride.
The One is currently acting as a man slut, in the city of Columbia, MO. He is waiting for the girl who breaks up with him first, as he is proud to say, that girls never leave HIM. I swear, the girl that does this, breaks up with HIM, will have him falling at her feet for eternity.
Then there was a very funny twist in this story, so try to keep up….
The One was dating the Hostess, while I ventured with other men. More specifically think back to the Wrastler #2. I had a very intense relationship with that man, and then we drifted apart. The One and the Hostess broke up, making me feel a little better about the whole situation. At least he wasn't going to end up married to that girl that he had left me for.
The Hostess and I even became friends, after all we had something in common, the One had left both of us, for other TGI Fridays girls. The One and I were even becoming civil, and friendly again. I didn't care anymore about him being a Jackass. I could call him a Jackass to his face, and he knew it was true.
One night the One and I were bartending TOGETHER, and we decided to go have a drink after work, at the local biker bar, Hawgs and dogs, or what the One likes to refer to as; Pigs and Bitches. If you read the Wrastler #2 blog, you know that he and I frequented the bar together during our courtship.
The One and I walked in, and sat at the bar and ordered drinks. Several seconds later he said to me "Did you see who's across the bar?" I looked up and was not surprised to see the Wrastler enjoying a beverage with some girl. I laughed and said "Yep, that's funny". He said, "No I don't think you saw both of them!" I looked up again, and was astonished to see that the Wrastler #2 was enjoying his beverage with The Hostess! The One and I started laughing hysterically.
We were seated there for about 30 minutes, The One got up to take a piss, and the Hostess came to my side. She said "I'm so sorry I didn't come over sooner to say hi, but I really can't stand *The One*." Then she had the nerve to say to me "…and Elaina... I'm sorry that I'm here with *The Wrastler*. He asked me out for drinks, and I said yes, it's nothing serious, but lets not make a big deal about it."
I was shocked that she thought I was actually going to make a scene or something. I REALLY did not care. After all, the only thing I could think about was if the Wrastler had asked her for butt sex yet...something I could NOT picture The Hostess being game for. It made me giggle.
The One and I laughed off the encounter and the next day, The One texted me that The Hostess and Wrastler had been dating for weeks, and hadn't mentioned it to either of us, typical. Now two girls dating the same guy twice, is a coincidence MAYBE, but later that summer, I moved away to Iowa for the summer, and one very late night, I received a phone call. It was The One. Now think WAY back to a blog entitled: My Not So Imaginary Boyfriend. The One called me from the bathroom, at Pigs and Bitches to tell me that The Hostess was there with MY not so imaginary boyfriend!!!! What was going on with the world? Are the Hostess and I the same exact person or was she just serial dating all of my ex's? I still do not know.
I still to this day talk to The One, it's sad to say but he is the only person, sometimes, that I can talk to. He was the first person to give 100% support of my dream in becoming an actress, and I can call him for a pep talk at any time. I love him. I sometimes dream of the day our worlds will collide again. I know that we will be two completely different people at that point in time, and maybe it wouldn't work, but he always told me to follow my dreams, and its strange, but here I am in the big city, following my "dream" and I think maybe my Dream has changed...
Lady Rule #1
If you find yourself heart broken by the guy who you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with, spend the appropriate amount of time in mourning. Then date, serial date, and be thankful that that ONE showed you, what, TO and what NOT to look for in your future mate. And if some girl starts serial dating YOUR ex's....I have no idea what you should do...laugh at it? That's what I have been doing!
Gentleman Rule #1
If you are thinking of dumping your long-term girlfriend, don't do it on a day when she will be going to work. She might need up to a week of lying in bed watching sappy movies crying, to get over you, but undoubtedly she will need at least that DAY to sob. Also don't give her MORE heart wrenching news while she is working, that is what I call, poor form.
Here is a photo of The One and Myself years ago, it might be the only digital photo I still have of us together! It was from back when we were happy, and it was taken on one of my very favorite nights! The night The One paid a man to allow me to drive his rickshaw in downtown Springfield MO!Thursday, December 15, 2011
Wanted: A Gorgeous Guy to Wrastle With!
Preface: You heard me correctly, I like to wrastle when I drink. This story is not with the first guy I wrastled with, nor was he the last. I have had the pleasure wrastling with several people. I don't know what it is, but I like to show off how strong I am, and my abilities to defend myself, to any hot guy in the vicinity, and obviously being intoxicated is the prime condition to show off said skills.
Having that knowledge, perhaps now, you can appreciate this story.
Working at TGI Fridays as a bartender had its advantages. I got hit on more times than I could count, mostly by 50 year old businessmen, from out of town. When a hot guy hit on me, whether he was intoxicated or not, I took the bite. There was a super handsome man who came into the bar every Thursday night. He was with a very loud bunch of older guys. He was playing host to these men for work, taking them out for a good time when they came to town once a week. Said man worked for the Auto Auction. This man, I will just call him Wrastle Partner #2, was pretty flirtatious with me after he had a few drinks. On a couple of occasions he even asked me and the other bartenders to go out after work to the local biker bar for drinks.
I was clearly attracted to this man, so of course I convinced whatever bartender I was working with to go out to this biker bar. My FirstmateDan, was always ready for the good time, she even coerced me into flirting back with this guy. Whenever these nights would come along, that we joined the wild men at the biker bar, Wrastle Partner #2 always footed the bill, and charmed us all night long.
I think I need to take a minute to describe Wrastle Partner #2. He was the kind of guy who HAD to be quarterback of his football team in high school. He had a gorgeous face, and a body that matched. For maybe the first time ever, I would soon be seeing (and by seeing, I mean having sex with) the "It" man. He was successful with his job, charming and could land any girl he wanted. He was also a cocky asshole.
***Note*** There seems to be a trend developing, I think I just found my type....Cocky asshole.
Anyway The night came when I was out celebrating my birthday. Wrastle Partner #2 happened to be at the biker bar, which had become a standard stop in my bar circuit (They had a karaoke night!). I was turning 24 at midnight. FirstmateDan was there, and helped make it clear that it was my birthday. That night, Wrastle Partner #2.... asked me to go home with him. Now, please keep in mind we had been flirting back and forth for months at this point! I was shocked and ecstatic at the thought. I was also drunk.
I think that this is also a trend. Yes I often sleep with people for the first time, when I am drunk. I admit it.
I went home with him, and of COURSE I wanted to wrastle! Its my kind of foreplay. I am not into freaky S&M or anything, but I like testing the strength of the guy I'm with. I think it's some kind of ancient cavewoman instinct or something. I want to be with a guy that will be able to protect me. Weird I know. Whatever.
Anyway, there was no doubt about it, this man was strong, and fit. I stood no chance in this wrastling match. We had sex. Great sex. The next morning I was in a hurry to leave, got dressed, and "forgot" my underwear, my favorite polka dot underwear. Clearly I wanted a reason for future contact with Wrastle Partner #2.
I had never exchanged numbers with this man, so a week went by and I was on pins and needles. He came into my bar, when we closed, I met him at the biker bar, he invited me home with him, but I wanted to keep some power, so I left him that night at the bar with all of his drunk colleagues, and went to my own home, claiming I had a paper to write. That night he Facebook friended me, and our correspondence began. Here is the actual message I sent the man, following the acceptance of his friendship. Thank God the internet NEVER forgets ANYTHING!
ME:
Wanted!!! Very much alive, polka dots!!!
If you would like to negotiate, prepare yourself! I am a fair, considerate person, but I MUST have my polka dots, and I will stop at nothing to see their prompt return!
Sincerely,
Badass E
He replied:
If you would have been smart you would have recovered them tonight! Now you will have to wait!! I'm the one with all the cards and I plan on keeping it that way.
And your number is????
More of a badass,
B
I replied:
I'm sorry that writing a paper took priority tonight, you seemed to have your hands a little full anyway, if anything I was being considerate of your company. Besides you didn't tell me what you wanted in return... I can't walk in not knowing what I'm getting into!!! You have already proven that your wrestling skills are slightly above my own, for all I know you might try to show me some new moves, that I wouldn't be ready for!
Badass E
(Phone number here)
The rest of the communication took place via text message. I have no idea what was said, but we arranged another meeting, and I eventually got back my dots. There were several more wrastling dates that ended in sex.
Things were moving along fine, until one day I insisted on him taking me out on a real date. The only time we EVER were in public was at the biker bar. He said "I always buy your drinks, when we go out" I recanted saying that HE wasn't buying the drinks, but his company card was buying the drinks. He didn't like my strong point. The next time I saw him was on a cold snowy Saturday afternoon, he invited me over, we laid on his couch pullout bed in front of his very large T.V and watched movies. I was bitter because he didn't want to go out, so I wouldn't accept his sexual advances.
That was the last time I remember spending time with Wrastle Partner #2. I continued to see him out and about at the biker bar, but he faded out of my sex life. He had plenty of girls to chose from anyway, and did I mention that he tried to convince me that anal sex was fun? Call me a prude I am NOT interested in that. Try anything once I say.... but then never again!
***Please keep your eyes open for a future story that involves Wrastle Partner #2, and the Jackass, from my very first blog! It's a really great story! To be continued!
Lady Rule #17
If you have the opportunity to sleep with an "it" guy, go for it, but don't be surprised when he pulls typical "it" guy moves like not taking you out on a real date. If ANY guy doesn't take you out in public dump him, as I learned with the Disappearing Enginnerd (see said blog) you are worth being taken out for a night on the town, IN PUBLIC!!!
Gentleman Rule #17
If you clearly HAVE the money to take a girl for a nice night out, you should do it. I'm not saying that you have to spend lots of money, but you HAVE to make her think that you want to show her off to the world. Especially if you are an "it" guy, a lot of girls will feel self-conscious, about you always wanting someone better. If she means something to you, show her that. If she doesn't mean anything to you, tell her that sex is the extent of the relationship!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Pretzel Man
This is a story from a long time ago, that I had forgotten about until recently. I actually don't know why it has taken me this long to write it. I met a man at TGI Fridays, where I worked at the time. I had just had the brilliant idea that I was going to start mass dating in order to write the fascinating blog you are currently reading.
I was at work talking about the pledge I was taking, to accept any and all date offers, in order to get some good stories. There was a pretty boy sitting at my bar listening contently with his older co-worker. He laughed off my plan, and said "Well why don't you just go out with me, then you will never have to date again!" I laughed at his confidence. I had been with a borderline cocky guy before, and I had to admit that I liked it. His older friend put in a good word for him, and I was ready to see what this guy had to offer.
We were having lovely conversation which started with him telling me what he did, he sold Snyder's Pretzels to companies, and encouraged the companies to add extra Snyder's displays in their stores. This didn't get me going or anything, but I thought, it's the beginning to what COULD be a good story. So he asked me out, and shockingly I accepted.
His date was pretty unoriginal. He took me to....Dinner and a movie! I know, gag. Where is your creativity guys? A date doesn't have to cost anything but please be creative! Our date was pretty boring and normal, until he was taking me back to my car, which was located at his aunt's house, where he was currently living. Don't get me started on that one. We were lingering outside the cars and he asked me to come in. He said he wasn't making a move, he just wanted to show me something. For the fact that it might be a good turn of events for my story I agreed. He took me inside, and poured me a glass of wine, then took me to a patio. There was a small space outside that was walled on all sides about 9 feet high, without a ceiling. It was actually gorgeous out there. It was a colder night, the weather was changing from mid-fall to winter. We sat out under the stars with our wine for a little while, long enough for me to get cold. He went inside, and re-emerged with a blanket and more wine. I must say that he was scoring some major points. We could have just done THAT all night, and skipped the movie, or dinner. Anyway I was not a slut at that point in time, so I politely excused myself to retire home for the evening, where I am sure I ate leftovers in bed, while watching a romantic comedy.
This pretzel man let me go three days without a phone call or text message. Ass. I told him I was "busy" when he finally asked me out, but suggested some other day. We met at a bar and had a drink. It was harmless, and I could feel the attraction growing, but I still was not comfortable with him yet. Something about him said "I'm a total ladies man, and you should be dying to sleep with me right now." Well I wasn't. Pretzel man kept visiting me with his older co-worker friend, at Fridays, while I worked.
Turns out his older co-worker friend was from out of town, and was staying in a hotel located in the Friday's parking lot. I guess Snyder's pretzels reserved this room for extended periods of time, because they often had employees from out of town needing a place to stay. One night after Pretzel man took me out for drinks with his friends, he asked me if I felt like being bad. Now when some slightly attractive cocky man asks this question of you, you should probably think twice about your answer. Being slightly intoxicated is the excuse I will use for the response I made that night. "Fuck yeah" I said! Next thing I knew we were in his truck, and we were sitting in the parking lot of the hotel and TGI Fridays. He said his coworker was out of town for the night, and the hotel room was available. I was instantly scared. He said he made friends with the guy at the front desk, and that he could get us into the room.
This is the situation that made me create the infamous quiz. I knew that I didn't really WANT to have sex with this guy. Remember when I said that he was sort of a cocky ladies man? Anyway in my intoxicated state I decided then and there that if he could answer 3 out of 5 questions about me, of my choosing, then I would have sex with him. To my surprise he WAS able to answer 3 out of 5 of the questions, so he couldn't be THAT bad right? I think he thought that the quiz was some sort of foreplay too. Anyway I gave in, I admit I am slightly ashamed, but just slightly, after all, I'm a lady of my word. I will also admit that he made me try positions that night that I was afraid of, which makes his nickname, Pretzel Man, quite appropriate. I was not comfortable with his wild side in the sack, on top of his cocky, asshole persona, so he didn't last much longer than that. Pretzel man made my "number" go from 4 to 5. I think it was high time that at age 23, my number started increasing. 23 was a good year for increased numbers.
I actually ran into him one final time. Right before I left Columbia, I ran into him at my favorite karaoke bar, he was wasted and dedicated a song to me. How sweet. Too bad he was a terrible singer.
Lady Rule #8
Unlike me, you should stick to your gut about your impressions of a guy. Wait a minute. Do whatever you want! I don't regret my time with Pretzel man, it opened my eyes to my options that are out there!
Gentleman Rule #8
Be creative for a first date! First impressions are everything, and if you put some thought into making a girl's first date a memorable one, chances are, you are the kind of guy she will give into, even though it might be a couple dates later.
I was at work talking about the pledge I was taking, to accept any and all date offers, in order to get some good stories. There was a pretty boy sitting at my bar listening contently with his older co-worker. He laughed off my plan, and said "Well why don't you just go out with me, then you will never have to date again!" I laughed at his confidence. I had been with a borderline cocky guy before, and I had to admit that I liked it. His older friend put in a good word for him, and I was ready to see what this guy had to offer.
We were having lovely conversation which started with him telling me what he did, he sold Snyder's Pretzels to companies, and encouraged the companies to add extra Snyder's displays in their stores. This didn't get me going or anything, but I thought, it's the beginning to what COULD be a good story. So he asked me out, and shockingly I accepted.
His date was pretty unoriginal. He took me to....Dinner and a movie! I know, gag. Where is your creativity guys? A date doesn't have to cost anything but please be creative! Our date was pretty boring and normal, until he was taking me back to my car, which was located at his aunt's house, where he was currently living. Don't get me started on that one. We were lingering outside the cars and he asked me to come in. He said he wasn't making a move, he just wanted to show me something. For the fact that it might be a good turn of events for my story I agreed. He took me inside, and poured me a glass of wine, then took me to a patio. There was a small space outside that was walled on all sides about 9 feet high, without a ceiling. It was actually gorgeous out there. It was a colder night, the weather was changing from mid-fall to winter. We sat out under the stars with our wine for a little while, long enough for me to get cold. He went inside, and re-emerged with a blanket and more wine. I must say that he was scoring some major points. We could have just done THAT all night, and skipped the movie, or dinner. Anyway I was not a slut at that point in time, so I politely excused myself to retire home for the evening, where I am sure I ate leftovers in bed, while watching a romantic comedy.
This pretzel man let me go three days without a phone call or text message. Ass. I told him I was "busy" when he finally asked me out, but suggested some other day. We met at a bar and had a drink. It was harmless, and I could feel the attraction growing, but I still was not comfortable with him yet. Something about him said "I'm a total ladies man, and you should be dying to sleep with me right now." Well I wasn't. Pretzel man kept visiting me with his older co-worker friend, at Fridays, while I worked.
Turns out his older co-worker friend was from out of town, and was staying in a hotel located in the Friday's parking lot. I guess Snyder's pretzels reserved this room for extended periods of time, because they often had employees from out of town needing a place to stay. One night after Pretzel man took me out for drinks with his friends, he asked me if I felt like being bad. Now when some slightly attractive cocky man asks this question of you, you should probably think twice about your answer. Being slightly intoxicated is the excuse I will use for the response I made that night. "Fuck yeah" I said! Next thing I knew we were in his truck, and we were sitting in the parking lot of the hotel and TGI Fridays. He said his coworker was out of town for the night, and the hotel room was available. I was instantly scared. He said he made friends with the guy at the front desk, and that he could get us into the room.
This is the situation that made me create the infamous quiz. I knew that I didn't really WANT to have sex with this guy. Remember when I said that he was sort of a cocky ladies man? Anyway in my intoxicated state I decided then and there that if he could answer 3 out of 5 questions about me, of my choosing, then I would have sex with him. To my surprise he WAS able to answer 3 out of 5 of the questions, so he couldn't be THAT bad right? I think he thought that the quiz was some sort of foreplay too. Anyway I gave in, I admit I am slightly ashamed, but just slightly, after all, I'm a lady of my word. I will also admit that he made me try positions that night that I was afraid of, which makes his nickname, Pretzel Man, quite appropriate. I was not comfortable with his wild side in the sack, on top of his cocky, asshole persona, so he didn't last much longer than that. Pretzel man made my "number" go from 4 to 5. I think it was high time that at age 23, my number started increasing. 23 was a good year for increased numbers.
I actually ran into him one final time. Right before I left Columbia, I ran into him at my favorite karaoke bar, he was wasted and dedicated a song to me. How sweet. Too bad he was a terrible singer.
Lady Rule #8
Unlike me, you should stick to your gut about your impressions of a guy. Wait a minute. Do whatever you want! I don't regret my time with Pretzel man, it opened my eyes to my options that are out there!
Gentleman Rule #8
Be creative for a first date! First impressions are everything, and if you put some thought into making a girl's first date a memorable one, chances are, you are the kind of guy she will give into, even though it might be a couple dates later.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Mr. MIA #2
I was beginning to think that California was not for me, that there was nothing but filth, no one had manners, and the guys wanted Barbies. I still think all of those things, but for a period of about two weeks, it all disappeared.
I was at a packed bar watching my home team win the World Series. There were about 20 fans, and all of US were going crazy, screaming for our team, while everyone else in the crowded bar sat watching us, defeated. The Cardinals fans all came together for a commemorative photo. That is where a bearded man caught my eye.
He approached me and told me he was from Kansas City, MO. I instantly felt a connection to him, and we had easy conversation. He told me not to leave the bar without his number, and I didn't. Later that night, he text me about making plans for the following night.
The following night, I met him at his apartment, and he was just as I had remembered him in my partially drunken state. He was tall, double my size (which is perfect considering my current state of self consciousness), he had lots of scruff, and a sleeve of tattoos. I hopped into his truck, YES truck (so sexy) and away we went.
He took me to a fun place where there were bars, shopping, and various outlets of entertainment. He suggested that we do a little indoor sky diving, and at first I thought he was joking, but it turns out he wasn't. We approached a giant tube shaped structure, and he tried explaining how it worked. I have to admit I was a little nervous about it, but said I would think it over. We wondered down to a piano bar, which happens to be one of my favorite kinds of places to go, and everything was going great.
This man opened my doors, led the way through the crowd, and asked me just the right amount of questions. We were hitting it off great! I have never had instant chemistry with someone the way we had that night. We agreed on most every topic of conversation, and it felt comfortable.
I felt comfortable enough with him, that I said "Hell yes I will try indoor skydiving!" We wondered back to the main attraction. We quickly went through the training video, my date had done this a hundred times, and was a complete pro. We got suited up into the most ridiculous outfit for a first date, and in the tube I went! I had the greatest time! *I would fully recommend everyone doing this if you have the opportunity.
We went home for the evening and made plans for the very next day. He took me out again, we wondered around an outdoor mall, and went to a movie. Conversation again was really great! He mentioned wanting to take me to San Diego to see his favorite 80's cover band, making a weekend of it. He talked about his parents coming into town "No pressure" he said. I THOUGHT that everything was going great. He even took me to the studio where he works, and introduced me to the world of an audio/film engineer! That night when we went back to his place, he played guitar and sang to me. Not only was this guy turning out to have the same values as me, but he was ultra talented as well.
The next night we had a laundry date that entailed us in sweatpants, and me hanging out while he did laundry. Things got hot and heavy, and I have to say I felt no need for a quiz! I felt THAT comfortable with this guy. I knew that he had been listening to me, and was thoroughly interested.
Things were moving along swimmingly, we were still talking via phone, but it was the work week at this point, and he worked really long hours. Our conversation during the day was mainly via text, which I find to be a terrible thing. I truly prefer phone conversation to text conversations. Anyway one day midweek I sent him a text asking when he was going to take out this smart, witty, pretty, funny, girl that he had recently met. He said "You just don't give it a second do you?" and I replied that I typically get what I want, and I was just trying to ensure that I did this time. He said we would talk soon, he called me at 2:00am that night while I was sleeping. I returned his call the next day, he didn't answer, and never called me back. Finally a week later I sent him a final goodbye text. You know something like "You were great, I don't know what happened, find happiness" that simple. He replied saying that he didn't know why he started ignoring me, and now we have been texting a little back and forth. Who knows where it will go. I am going to give him some space and try to not think about it.
Now did things move to fast? It was this guy who had made all of the comments about future plans, meeting parents, and weekend getaways. Isn't that what the girl usually does? Immediately jumping to babies, and 10 year plans? I don't know how we screwed this up. WE not I. Once again I am saddened by these Californians. Here I go again, out scouring the world for the perfect mate.
P.S.
I am continually perplexed by the male species. This is not the first case of a man going MIA in my life, just recently a man I cared for a lot, decided to ignore me out of HIS life, and I just do not understand what it's all about. Why don't they have the balls to tell me that they don't want to see me again, instead of ignoring me out? You culprits know who you are...don't do this, its cowardly.
Lady Lesson #20:
If a guy is totally into you one day, and then completely ignores you the next, you have two options.
Option one: Do nothing, get over it, go out dancing to feel better, and move forward with your life.
Option two: Go a little Glenn Close on his ass, stalk him, and give him a decent reason for ignoring you! (I've always wanted to try option two, maybe next time!)
Man Lesson #20:
If for some reason you decide that you don't want to pursue a girl anymore, then be a man find the courage, and tell her what the hell is up! Don't you DARE leave her thinking that it was HER fault, and wondering what she did that made you flip the switch! If it WAS something that SHE did, put it nicely, but at least tell her! I am an adult, I could handle the explanation, a lot better than the silence.
I was at a packed bar watching my home team win the World Series. There were about 20 fans, and all of US were going crazy, screaming for our team, while everyone else in the crowded bar sat watching us, defeated. The Cardinals fans all came together for a commemorative photo. That is where a bearded man caught my eye.
He approached me and told me he was from Kansas City, MO. I instantly felt a connection to him, and we had easy conversation. He told me not to leave the bar without his number, and I didn't. Later that night, he text me about making plans for the following night.
The following night, I met him at his apartment, and he was just as I had remembered him in my partially drunken state. He was tall, double my size (which is perfect considering my current state of self consciousness), he had lots of scruff, and a sleeve of tattoos. I hopped into his truck, YES truck (so sexy) and away we went.
He took me to a fun place where there were bars, shopping, and various outlets of entertainment. He suggested that we do a little indoor sky diving, and at first I thought he was joking, but it turns out he wasn't. We approached a giant tube shaped structure, and he tried explaining how it worked. I have to admit I was a little nervous about it, but said I would think it over. We wondered down to a piano bar, which happens to be one of my favorite kinds of places to go, and everything was going great.
This man opened my doors, led the way through the crowd, and asked me just the right amount of questions. We were hitting it off great! I have never had instant chemistry with someone the way we had that night. We agreed on most every topic of conversation, and it felt comfortable.
I felt comfortable enough with him, that I said "Hell yes I will try indoor skydiving!" We wondered back to the main attraction. We quickly went through the training video, my date had done this a hundred times, and was a complete pro. We got suited up into the most ridiculous outfit for a first date, and in the tube I went! I had the greatest time! *I would fully recommend everyone doing this if you have the opportunity.
We went home for the evening and made plans for the very next day. He took me out again, we wondered around an outdoor mall, and went to a movie. Conversation again was really great! He mentioned wanting to take me to San Diego to see his favorite 80's cover band, making a weekend of it. He talked about his parents coming into town "No pressure" he said. I THOUGHT that everything was going great. He even took me to the studio where he works, and introduced me to the world of an audio/film engineer! That night when we went back to his place, he played guitar and sang to me. Not only was this guy turning out to have the same values as me, but he was ultra talented as well.
The next night we had a laundry date that entailed us in sweatpants, and me hanging out while he did laundry. Things got hot and heavy, and I have to say I felt no need for a quiz! I felt THAT comfortable with this guy. I knew that he had been listening to me, and was thoroughly interested.
Things were moving along swimmingly, we were still talking via phone, but it was the work week at this point, and he worked really long hours. Our conversation during the day was mainly via text, which I find to be a terrible thing. I truly prefer phone conversation to text conversations. Anyway one day midweek I sent him a text asking when he was going to take out this smart, witty, pretty, funny, girl that he had recently met. He said "You just don't give it a second do you?" and I replied that I typically get what I want, and I was just trying to ensure that I did this time. He said we would talk soon, he called me at 2:00am that night while I was sleeping. I returned his call the next day, he didn't answer, and never called me back. Finally a week later I sent him a final goodbye text. You know something like "You were great, I don't know what happened, find happiness" that simple. He replied saying that he didn't know why he started ignoring me, and now we have been texting a little back and forth. Who knows where it will go. I am going to give him some space and try to not think about it.
Now did things move to fast? It was this guy who had made all of the comments about future plans, meeting parents, and weekend getaways. Isn't that what the girl usually does? Immediately jumping to babies, and 10 year plans? I don't know how we screwed this up. WE not I. Once again I am saddened by these Californians. Here I go again, out scouring the world for the perfect mate.
P.S.
I am continually perplexed by the male species. This is not the first case of a man going MIA in my life, just recently a man I cared for a lot, decided to ignore me out of HIS life, and I just do not understand what it's all about. Why don't they have the balls to tell me that they don't want to see me again, instead of ignoring me out? You culprits know who you are...don't do this, its cowardly.
Lady Lesson #20:
If a guy is totally into you one day, and then completely ignores you the next, you have two options.
Option one: Do nothing, get over it, go out dancing to feel better, and move forward with your life.
Option two: Go a little Glenn Close on his ass, stalk him, and give him a decent reason for ignoring you! (I've always wanted to try option two, maybe next time!)
Man Lesson #20:
If for some reason you decide that you don't want to pursue a girl anymore, then be a man find the courage, and tell her what the hell is up! Don't you DARE leave her thinking that it was HER fault, and wondering what she did that made you flip the switch! If it WAS something that SHE did, put it nicely, but at least tell her! I am an adult, I could handle the explanation, a lot better than the silence.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Midnight Beatings and Online Adventures
You might think that the title of this story, means that the story is going to be sad and disturbing. I promise that in my mind the story WILL be one of those things. Disturbing. You might also think that because of the title, the story will be about abusive relationships...well see for yourself.
I will admit that I have been in a slump as of late. I had a fling over the summer, that I promised not to put to paper. I will respect that request. This mystery man and I also decided that it was silly to keep each other tied down, while living half a country away from each other. You see, I recently made a big move to sunny Los Angeles, CA, I like to call it la la land, because it's like I'm living in a dream. The people are all gorgeous and it makes me feel a little less than confident about myself, and I am one pretty cool chick!
I decided that I needed to try something new. I needed to meet new people. I decided at age 24 it was time that I tried online dating. That's right I said it. I was bored one night with nothing to do, and too much Absolut vodka in my system. That's the story I am sticking to. I started creating a free profile on OK Cupid.com. I said that I was some new girl in town, from the Midwest, in need of someone to show her around LA.
Immediately I was an online success. I had a huge fan base in a matter of an hour. I was chatting online to four guys at once. Most of these people were crazy whack jobs, but there were a couple of seemingly normal ones. With in the hour I had two dates lined up for the week.
The first guy had a standard name. Nothing special about it. He asked to take me to the fair, and for some reason I was ecstatic about it. The only thought in my mind was funnel cake. A taste of something deep-fried would remind me of home! I met this man who would later earn the nick name "Beat It", at his home. Looking back on it that was a horrible mistake. I should have met him at the fair where I could make a quick getaway if necessary. Beat It was 6'4'' and decent looking. I have to say he looked exactly like his photos, which was a lovely surprise. I was expecting him to be the most unattractive man I had ever seen.
We met, went to the fair, and had a wonderful time. We spent the entire day together acting like children. I had an entire funnel cake to myself and we rode rides all day long. It was a great first date idea, and I cancelled the date I had made with online date guy #2. It wasn't until the second date with Beat It, that I decided to mention the quiz. The quiz that determines if the guy I am dating has paid enough attention. Passing the quiz allows a man to pass first base landing on second, which is usually followed closely by third and then home! Beat It was made well aware that he was going to have to pass the quiz if he wanted to go anywhere below the shirt with me.
We had a few dates and things progressed rather quickly. I was just thankful to have something taking up my spare time. I was getting to experience the city, and get to know a relatively normal man from CA. Life was good. Beat It asked me to stay over at his home overlooking the ocean. I agreed under the pretense that Beat It was not anywhere close to passing the quiz. He had taken one version and failed. After all, the woman is ALWAYS in control of these situations.
We put a netflix movie on, and within minutes he made his move. I sternly told him that he had not passed the quiz. He tried and failed. Then we finished watching the movie and I fell asleep.
You know how, the first time you sleep at someone's home it is really hard to sleep well? This night was no exception. I must have been in a very light slumber because I awoke to some kind of muffled noise. Its like something was moving. I was completely still, I was trying to figure out if I was really awake or not. Then it hit me, I was in someone else's home, what WAS that noise? I could hear something moving briskly. I looked over at the other side of the bed. The man was not there. I thought to myself that Beat It had probably gone to the bathroom. I turned over on my side to try to sleep some more, and at that moment that I moved, the noise stopped. I sat up and looked around, to no avail. Whatever it was stopped and I fell back into a light sleep. I then woke up again, maybe 5 minutes later, to the noise happening again. I stayed very still. It sounded the same, just some kind of quiet movement. I laid there thinking to myself what it could be. Then a few seconds later....Beat It popped up from lying on the floor in front of the bed. I am NOT joking. This man had been lying on the floor, possibly watching me sleep, and beating one out.
Now please tell me what a girl is supposed to do in this situation? I laid very still as I watched "Beat It" leave the room NAKED to go to the bathroom. I laid there trying not to laugh, and trying to not be weirded out. This man's bed was a California King, so when he returned I remained on my side of the bed feet away from him, with my back to him. I laid there for the longest time, thinking..."Is that normal? Why the hell was he doing it lying on the floor...NAKED.... Well at least he didn't pressure me to have sex with him!" I fell asleep.
Perhaps several hours later I awoke again. This time there was noise again, but this time the noise was closer to me. I instantly knew what it was. He was at it for a second time! This time he was lying right beside me in bed. Was he watching me? I had to know. I rolled over quickly in one motion as if I had "Just woke up" Sure enough he was looking right at me, eyes wide open. I acted as if I had no idea what was going on, smiled a small smile, and closed my eyes. My body now was facing him, and I knew it would be awhile before he started going at it again. I laid there trying to keep my breathing steady so that he would think that I was asleep again. It must have worked because probably ten minutes later he started up again. Initially I was trying the hardest I possibly could to hold in my laughter. I couldn't hold my face frozen any longer and I decided that I HAD to roll over, so he couldn't see my face. I stretched and yawned my best "real" I just woke up stretch and yawn that I could, and turned over.
Beat It stopped immediately. I was out of my mind at this point and could not believe what was happening. I played the waiting game, and sure enough he started up again. He finished, left the room, and returned to go to sleep? I was wondering how often in one night this occurred. I fell asleep again and this time for good. I don't know how I was able to sleep but I managed and the next morning I made an excuse to leave relatively soon after.
The end of this story is tragic, so I would rather end here, however I would like to say that masturbation is natural and I am not against it. I do it myself, but I don't do it while I have another relatively new person asleep next to me in bed....
Lady Rule #17:
Always remember that you are in charge of ALL physical situations. If a man starts beating one out while you are sleeping, it is best to play "asleep". The alternative will only lead to an awkward situation. Also, if you feel the urge to try online dating, it COULD lead to a very interesting story to tell the grandkids!
Gentleman Rule #17:
If a lady does not want to have sex with you, it IS true that you will be masturbating a little longer until she is ready. This does not mean that you masturbate literally behind her back (or hiding on the floor) while she is "sleeping". You never know when she will wake up and catch you in the act!
Men out there, please chime in and tell me if this is a normal thing, and I am just some naive girl.
I will admit that I have been in a slump as of late. I had a fling over the summer, that I promised not to put to paper. I will respect that request. This mystery man and I also decided that it was silly to keep each other tied down, while living half a country away from each other. You see, I recently made a big move to sunny Los Angeles, CA, I like to call it la la land, because it's like I'm living in a dream. The people are all gorgeous and it makes me feel a little less than confident about myself, and I am one pretty cool chick!
I decided that I needed to try something new. I needed to meet new people. I decided at age 24 it was time that I tried online dating. That's right I said it. I was bored one night with nothing to do, and too much Absolut vodka in my system. That's the story I am sticking to. I started creating a free profile on OK Cupid.com. I said that I was some new girl in town, from the Midwest, in need of someone to show her around LA.
Immediately I was an online success. I had a huge fan base in a matter of an hour. I was chatting online to four guys at once. Most of these people were crazy whack jobs, but there were a couple of seemingly normal ones. With in the hour I had two dates lined up for the week.
The first guy had a standard name. Nothing special about it. He asked to take me to the fair, and for some reason I was ecstatic about it. The only thought in my mind was funnel cake. A taste of something deep-fried would remind me of home! I met this man who would later earn the nick name "Beat It", at his home. Looking back on it that was a horrible mistake. I should have met him at the fair where I could make a quick getaway if necessary. Beat It was 6'4'' and decent looking. I have to say he looked exactly like his photos, which was a lovely surprise. I was expecting him to be the most unattractive man I had ever seen.
We met, went to the fair, and had a wonderful time. We spent the entire day together acting like children. I had an entire funnel cake to myself and we rode rides all day long. It was a great first date idea, and I cancelled the date I had made with online date guy #2. It wasn't until the second date with Beat It, that I decided to mention the quiz. The quiz that determines if the guy I am dating has paid enough attention. Passing the quiz allows a man to pass first base landing on second, which is usually followed closely by third and then home! Beat It was made well aware that he was going to have to pass the quiz if he wanted to go anywhere below the shirt with me.
We had a few dates and things progressed rather quickly. I was just thankful to have something taking up my spare time. I was getting to experience the city, and get to know a relatively normal man from CA. Life was good. Beat It asked me to stay over at his home overlooking the ocean. I agreed under the pretense that Beat It was not anywhere close to passing the quiz. He had taken one version and failed. After all, the woman is ALWAYS in control of these situations.
We put a netflix movie on, and within minutes he made his move. I sternly told him that he had not passed the quiz. He tried and failed. Then we finished watching the movie and I fell asleep.
You know how, the first time you sleep at someone's home it is really hard to sleep well? This night was no exception. I must have been in a very light slumber because I awoke to some kind of muffled noise. Its like something was moving. I was completely still, I was trying to figure out if I was really awake or not. Then it hit me, I was in someone else's home, what WAS that noise? I could hear something moving briskly. I looked over at the other side of the bed. The man was not there. I thought to myself that Beat It had probably gone to the bathroom. I turned over on my side to try to sleep some more, and at that moment that I moved, the noise stopped. I sat up and looked around, to no avail. Whatever it was stopped and I fell back into a light sleep. I then woke up again, maybe 5 minutes later, to the noise happening again. I stayed very still. It sounded the same, just some kind of quiet movement. I laid there thinking to myself what it could be. Then a few seconds later....Beat It popped up from lying on the floor in front of the bed. I am NOT joking. This man had been lying on the floor, possibly watching me sleep, and beating one out.
Now please tell me what a girl is supposed to do in this situation? I laid very still as I watched "Beat It" leave the room NAKED to go to the bathroom. I laid there trying not to laugh, and trying to not be weirded out. This man's bed was a California King, so when he returned I remained on my side of the bed feet away from him, with my back to him. I laid there for the longest time, thinking..."Is that normal? Why the hell was he doing it lying on the floor...NAKED.... Well at least he didn't pressure me to have sex with him!" I fell asleep.
Perhaps several hours later I awoke again. This time there was noise again, but this time the noise was closer to me. I instantly knew what it was. He was at it for a second time! This time he was lying right beside me in bed. Was he watching me? I had to know. I rolled over quickly in one motion as if I had "Just woke up" Sure enough he was looking right at me, eyes wide open. I acted as if I had no idea what was going on, smiled a small smile, and closed my eyes. My body now was facing him, and I knew it would be awhile before he started going at it again. I laid there trying to keep my breathing steady so that he would think that I was asleep again. It must have worked because probably ten minutes later he started up again. Initially I was trying the hardest I possibly could to hold in my laughter. I couldn't hold my face frozen any longer and I decided that I HAD to roll over, so he couldn't see my face. I stretched and yawned my best "real" I just woke up stretch and yawn that I could, and turned over.
Beat It stopped immediately. I was out of my mind at this point and could not believe what was happening. I played the waiting game, and sure enough he started up again. He finished, left the room, and returned to go to sleep? I was wondering how often in one night this occurred. I fell asleep again and this time for good. I don't know how I was able to sleep but I managed and the next morning I made an excuse to leave relatively soon after.
The end of this story is tragic, so I would rather end here, however I would like to say that masturbation is natural and I am not against it. I do it myself, but I don't do it while I have another relatively new person asleep next to me in bed....
Lady Rule #17:
Always remember that you are in charge of ALL physical situations. If a man starts beating one out while you are sleeping, it is best to play "asleep". The alternative will only lead to an awkward situation. Also, if you feel the urge to try online dating, it COULD lead to a very interesting story to tell the grandkids!
Gentleman Rule #17:
If a lady does not want to have sex with you, it IS true that you will be masturbating a little longer until she is ready. This does not mean that you masturbate literally behind her back (or hiding on the floor) while she is "sleeping". You never know when she will wake up and catch you in the act!
Men out there, please chime in and tell me if this is a normal thing, and I am just some naive girl.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
My Not SO Imaginary Boyfriend
Once upon a time I saw from across the room, a man like no other man I had ever seen before. This man was adorably handsome. He appeared to be a home grown kind of man who has spent plenty of time on a farm. He smiled and my heart fell, and then.....he sang. It was too good to be true, a beautiful man who could also sing? I smiled at this man and wished that he would acknowledge my presence for over a year and a half. He frequented my favorite karaoke bar.
On one occasion my sister came to town to see a show I was in, and we went out to celebrate after. We went to a whole in the wall bar which is called Hawgs and Dogs. This is not a hot dog eatery, but a biker bar. This is the first biker bar I have ever been to, but it will not be the last. This bar contains a huge mixed bag of people, and they have Karaoke two nights a week. Anyway my sister and I stopped in on karoke night, and my not so imaginary boyfriend was there. In my drunken state I told my sister that he was my boyfriend in my mind, and we both giggled about how hot he was.
My sister decided that she should take it upon herself to set him up with me, although she clearly wanted to steal him all for herself. Well it took me a few minutes to realize that there was my sister standing across the room talking to my boyfriend! I immediately had liquid courage and ran over to them. I said "Im sorry about my sister", and shoved her out of the way. I then proceeded to say to him "You don't know this, but in my mind you have been my boyfriend for almost two years, and you didn't even know it." I was afraid of what my sister had been saying to the man, and apparently she had only been there long enough to say "Do you see that girl over there? (Pointing to me)" and he replied " Elaina? Yeah I know her." I lost it when my sister told me that my boyfriend actually knew who I was. The conversation he and I had ended with me excusing myself to pee.
Later down the road, my boyfriend started casually coming over and saying hello to me. He talked a lot to a friend of mine, who he told that he didn't like the fact that girls these days are only after sex. He gave her a lecture about how no one has values any more. This information was key to my future conversations with my boyfriend. We had been talking about our futures and past relationships, and I was sure to mention at some point that I thought sex was a special thing shared between two special people, and then one night he asked for my number, not to take me out or anything, it was for some stupid reason that I can't recall.
Then one night near the end of my stay in Columbia my boyfriend talked to me all night at karaoke, and he actually did it! He asked me over to his home to "cuddle". Nothing more he promised me, which I have heard from other men before, and turned out to be false. Normally that really pisses me off, but this time I was thrilled at the thought that this gentleman, by saying "cuddle", really meant Lets Get it ON!
So of course I coyly agreed to venture to his home, where we made out all night long. Things got pretty heated and I am sad to say that I denied him further access to my vagina. I don't know what I was thinking, I just said "We shouldn't". He immediatly agreed and said that he was glad I didn't want to....does this mean he could possibly be, no I can't even say it, because that would justify my thoughts that all the hot ones are gay. I will say that I think although I was a bit intoxicated, I think that I realized that his package that he was going to give me was a small one. Some say good things come in small packages and I tend to agree, most of the time. Its a good thing I didn't let things go any further. This way my idea of him being the perfect man, will not be broken.
I left the his home the next morning and two days later I graduated college and left Columbia. I just want to say, that I am displeased with myself for not having the balls I needed to pursue him sooner. He might have ACTUALLY became my boyfriend. Doubtful because no one wants to jump on THIS train, but anything is possible.
Lady Rule #14
Always go with your gut, and make a move for the guy who makes your heart go pitter pat.
Man Rule#14
If a woman seems interested, a little mystery will keep her on the line for a while, but don't wait TOO long.
On one occasion my sister came to town to see a show I was in, and we went out to celebrate after. We went to a whole in the wall bar which is called Hawgs and Dogs. This is not a hot dog eatery, but a biker bar. This is the first biker bar I have ever been to, but it will not be the last. This bar contains a huge mixed bag of people, and they have Karaoke two nights a week. Anyway my sister and I stopped in on karoke night, and my not so imaginary boyfriend was there. In my drunken state I told my sister that he was my boyfriend in my mind, and we both giggled about how hot he was.
My sister decided that she should take it upon herself to set him up with me, although she clearly wanted to steal him all for herself. Well it took me a few minutes to realize that there was my sister standing across the room talking to my boyfriend! I immediately had liquid courage and ran over to them. I said "Im sorry about my sister", and shoved her out of the way. I then proceeded to say to him "You don't know this, but in my mind you have been my boyfriend for almost two years, and you didn't even know it." I was afraid of what my sister had been saying to the man, and apparently she had only been there long enough to say "Do you see that girl over there? (Pointing to me)" and he replied " Elaina? Yeah I know her." I lost it when my sister told me that my boyfriend actually knew who I was. The conversation he and I had ended with me excusing myself to pee.
Later down the road, my boyfriend started casually coming over and saying hello to me. He talked a lot to a friend of mine, who he told that he didn't like the fact that girls these days are only after sex. He gave her a lecture about how no one has values any more. This information was key to my future conversations with my boyfriend. We had been talking about our futures and past relationships, and I was sure to mention at some point that I thought sex was a special thing shared between two special people, and then one night he asked for my number, not to take me out or anything, it was for some stupid reason that I can't recall.
Then one night near the end of my stay in Columbia my boyfriend talked to me all night at karaoke, and he actually did it! He asked me over to his home to "cuddle". Nothing more he promised me, which I have heard from other men before, and turned out to be false. Normally that really pisses me off, but this time I was thrilled at the thought that this gentleman, by saying "cuddle", really meant Lets Get it ON!
So of course I coyly agreed to venture to his home, where we made out all night long. Things got pretty heated and I am sad to say that I denied him further access to my vagina. I don't know what I was thinking, I just said "We shouldn't". He immediatly agreed and said that he was glad I didn't want to....does this mean he could possibly be, no I can't even say it, because that would justify my thoughts that all the hot ones are gay. I will say that I think although I was a bit intoxicated, I think that I realized that his package that he was going to give me was a small one. Some say good things come in small packages and I tend to agree, most of the time. Its a good thing I didn't let things go any further. This way my idea of him being the perfect man, will not be broken.
I left the his home the next morning and two days later I graduated college and left Columbia. I just want to say, that I am displeased with myself for not having the balls I needed to pursue him sooner. He might have ACTUALLY became my boyfriend. Doubtful because no one wants to jump on THIS train, but anything is possible.
Lady Rule #14
Always go with your gut, and make a move for the guy who makes your heart go pitter pat.
Man Rule#14
If a woman seems interested, a little mystery will keep her on the line for a while, but don't wait TOO long.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Dancing With a Buzz
It is nearing the end of my stay in Columbia, MO. It has been quite an experience that I will not forget. On one of the last visits to my favorite karaoke spot Truman's Bar, I was well into my 4th or 5th drink, and I had already sung my heart out to two different songs. I must say that I had made quite an impression to a couple of people that night already. A tall scruffy man who was very near to 40 came over to my table wearing boots, which would have been so much better, had they had spurs attached. This man said that his name was Buzz and he would like the privilege of dancing me around the floor.
Anyone who has been to Truman's knows that there is NOT a "floor" for dancing. The place is normally packed on karaoke nights, and you have to wait around like a hawk to even get a table. So I accepted Buzz's offer to spin me around a little, because I was feeling pretty swell at the time, and it sounded like fun. Anyone who knows ME knows that I can't say no, and I will do anything for a good story.
I have to say that Buzz was quite the dancer! He was the first man who had danced with me who actually knew how to lead! I had the best dance ever with Buzz, he held me tight, whispered sweet nothings in my ear, and to top it all off, when he went in for a dip at the end, he picked me up so I was more or less sitting on his hip, and he dipped me low to the ground. It was so much fun and people clapped for us.
After the song ended Buzz returned me to my seat and said thank you. A perfect gentleman, ten years too old for me. I was sitting there continuing to partake in a few cocktails, when another man approached me. This man's name was not as interesting as Buzz, it was so boring I won't bother you with it. He came over, and said hello. I offered to shake his hand and we introduced ourselves. He sat near our table for a while, and didn't really say much of anything important. I could tell he was interested, but he was NOT aggressive enough for me. Sooner than later Buzz came back and asked me to dance another round. I could not resist, and said of course I would.
This happened a couple of more times. Buzz would spin me around, dip me, and return me to my table. The other man with the uninspiring name, just sat there and grew more and more annoyed that I kept dancing with Buzz. I had to eventually make my way to the ladies room, and on my way back I got a bit distracted talking to a man who I have wished for two whole years, would be my boyfriend. My not so imaginary, but fake boyfriend was talking to me and my shit show friend Tess came running up to me and interrupted. She said that Buzz and the other man were getting into a fight over me!
ME! I have never been the cause of a fight between two grown men. Toddlers yes of course, all the time, but men? It was thrilling. At this point I was completely wasted, and it was probably a good thing that Tess saved me from saying anything ridiculous to my boyfriend. She said that it was almost closing time and we were going to leave before things got worse. I didn't even get to say goodbye to either of the men. I would have loved to have a final bow with Buzz but fate would not have it that day.
Funny thing is that I DID actually see both men again. On my final night at Truman's for karaoke, Buzz was there again. We got to have a couple of final dances, and it was lovely. Then the weekend after was my graduation from college. My family of course wanted to go out to dinner, and that is where I ran into whats his bucket. He was my waiter at the restaurant! I think that he remembered me, because he kept giving me the sexy eyes, as I ate dinner. Very weird. These things only happen to me. I love my life!
Lady Rule #16
When asked to dance, by a strange man, always accept the first time. It's not going to kill you, and you may walk away with a great story to write about.
Man Rule #16
Introduce yourself to that lady you think is hot, and then make bold choices, getting into a fight over her, not what I am talking about.
Anyone who has been to Truman's knows that there is NOT a "floor" for dancing. The place is normally packed on karaoke nights, and you have to wait around like a hawk to even get a table. So I accepted Buzz's offer to spin me around a little, because I was feeling pretty swell at the time, and it sounded like fun. Anyone who knows ME knows that I can't say no, and I will do anything for a good story.
I have to say that Buzz was quite the dancer! He was the first man who had danced with me who actually knew how to lead! I had the best dance ever with Buzz, he held me tight, whispered sweet nothings in my ear, and to top it all off, when he went in for a dip at the end, he picked me up so I was more or less sitting on his hip, and he dipped me low to the ground. It was so much fun and people clapped for us.
After the song ended Buzz returned me to my seat and said thank you. A perfect gentleman, ten years too old for me. I was sitting there continuing to partake in a few cocktails, when another man approached me. This man's name was not as interesting as Buzz, it was so boring I won't bother you with it. He came over, and said hello. I offered to shake his hand and we introduced ourselves. He sat near our table for a while, and didn't really say much of anything important. I could tell he was interested, but he was NOT aggressive enough for me. Sooner than later Buzz came back and asked me to dance another round. I could not resist, and said of course I would.
This happened a couple of more times. Buzz would spin me around, dip me, and return me to my table. The other man with the uninspiring name, just sat there and grew more and more annoyed that I kept dancing with Buzz. I had to eventually make my way to the ladies room, and on my way back I got a bit distracted talking to a man who I have wished for two whole years, would be my boyfriend. My not so imaginary, but fake boyfriend was talking to me and my shit show friend Tess came running up to me and interrupted. She said that Buzz and the other man were getting into a fight over me!
ME! I have never been the cause of a fight between two grown men. Toddlers yes of course, all the time, but men? It was thrilling. At this point I was completely wasted, and it was probably a good thing that Tess saved me from saying anything ridiculous to my boyfriend. She said that it was almost closing time and we were going to leave before things got worse. I didn't even get to say goodbye to either of the men. I would have loved to have a final bow with Buzz but fate would not have it that day.
Funny thing is that I DID actually see both men again. On my final night at Truman's for karaoke, Buzz was there again. We got to have a couple of final dances, and it was lovely. Then the weekend after was my graduation from college. My family of course wanted to go out to dinner, and that is where I ran into whats his bucket. He was my waiter at the restaurant! I think that he remembered me, because he kept giving me the sexy eyes, as I ate dinner. Very weird. These things only happen to me. I love my life!
Lady Rule #16
When asked to dance, by a strange man, always accept the first time. It's not going to kill you, and you may walk away with a great story to write about.
Man Rule #16
Introduce yourself to that lady you think is hot, and then make bold choices, getting into a fight over her, not what I am talking about.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Pilot, Al E. Gator, And Rhymnocerous
Once upon a time, I was dating the jackass previously mentioned *See Golden Confidence, when along came a cute man, waltzing into the bar I worked at. I found him to be a pilot, charming, and a smart ass, much like myself. I was instantly interested, but I was loyal to the jackass, and pursued nothing with said pilot. He left me his number and a note, mentioning he would fly me to his home in Memphis, to see a touring Broadway show. Pilot came into my bar several times over the course of a year, each time we would flirt, he would leave me his number, and I would never call. I just thought that all of his flirting was due to his alcohol consumption.
About 6 months after my breakup with the Jackass, the pilot just happened to walk into my bar again. I suggested we get to know each other better, and he went home with me that very night. We stayed up talking until 6am. The next weekend he arranged for me to fly to Memphis, which might be the ONLY promise he ever kept to me. On that visit to Memphis, he did the most memorable sweet thing, a man has ever done for me. We went out for dinner, and as we were leaving the restaurant it started pouring, which ruined our plans. We didn't have an umbrella with us, so this man actually swept me off my feet, and ended up carrying me through the streets, so my feet wouldn't get soaked. Isn't THAT romantic. People were looking at us like we were crazy. I remember laughing the entire time to the car. I had a wonderful time that weekend, we had chemistry, and for two months he flew to Columbia to see me whenever he could.
One of my favorite memories of him was the time he signed himself into my dorm building as Al E. Gator. He did this late one night after we had been out cocktailing, as he calls it. I thought that it was really funny, until I was punished for it. Our res life staff at the college, didn't think it was very funny at all, and I was sentenced to write a two page double spaced, 12 point, times new roman font, paper on why it was inappropriate to let a guest sign in with a pseudonym. It was a funny story to tell people and it pretty much summed up why I liked him. He was spontaneous, creative, and charming.
We also shared a strange love for rapping, which is hilarious, only because we are two very white people. Eventually I wrote and performed for him a Valentine's day rap. This was one of those moments when I put my heart out there, even though I'm pretty sure I looked like an idiot. It was just stupid lyrics, not about love, but about us. Sadly for me, that was the last visit he made to Columbia. Rhymnocerous called less and less frequently. I have NO idea where I went wrong. I soon became mildly deranged with the idea that maybe he had died or become injured while flying planes. I dismissed these delusions when one day, news feed on facebook told me that he had just become friends with someone. *Pilot is now friends with Jane Doe*
I went for a long time wondering what happened, and then one day out of the blue about 6 months later, he re-entered my life. He apologized, stating that things had gotten too serious too fast for him, and that he was immature for not telling me what happened, and running away. I believed his every word, I am a quick forgiver, and I was anxious to see how great things could be with this guy. He started making promises to come visit. Once he chose tennis, then promised another time, and couldn't make it for some other reason. Then he finally promised me that he would see me before New Years that year. You guessed it, he failed to make that happen too. Like I said, I can forgive almost anything, if you ask me to. Instead of telling me why he couldn't make it this time, it seems like he had disappeared again, without a word.
I wanted to go crazy and leave him angry messages, I wanted to ask why he could'nt seem to get it together, but I know that I am slightly afraid of what his answers would be. Now he will never know, what he could have had, but messed up twice.
Universal rule # 5
Long distance can be a success, if you work at it. Beware long distance also allows for one or both parties to vanish almost with out a trace, leaving the other party perplexed by the other species.
I believe that we make time for the things we want to make time for. I was just not that thing for him, like he was for me. I have learned, and now I move on. Happy Birthday to me!
About 6 months after my breakup with the Jackass, the pilot just happened to walk into my bar again. I suggested we get to know each other better, and he went home with me that very night. We stayed up talking until 6am. The next weekend he arranged for me to fly to Memphis, which might be the ONLY promise he ever kept to me. On that visit to Memphis, he did the most memorable sweet thing, a man has ever done for me. We went out for dinner, and as we were leaving the restaurant it started pouring, which ruined our plans. We didn't have an umbrella with us, so this man actually swept me off my feet, and ended up carrying me through the streets, so my feet wouldn't get soaked. Isn't THAT romantic. People were looking at us like we were crazy. I remember laughing the entire time to the car. I had a wonderful time that weekend, we had chemistry, and for two months he flew to Columbia to see me whenever he could.
One of my favorite memories of him was the time he signed himself into my dorm building as Al E. Gator. He did this late one night after we had been out cocktailing, as he calls it. I thought that it was really funny, until I was punished for it. Our res life staff at the college, didn't think it was very funny at all, and I was sentenced to write a two page double spaced, 12 point, times new roman font, paper on why it was inappropriate to let a guest sign in with a pseudonym. It was a funny story to tell people and it pretty much summed up why I liked him. He was spontaneous, creative, and charming.
We also shared a strange love for rapping, which is hilarious, only because we are two very white people. Eventually I wrote and performed for him a Valentine's day rap. This was one of those moments when I put my heart out there, even though I'm pretty sure I looked like an idiot. It was just stupid lyrics, not about love, but about us. Sadly for me, that was the last visit he made to Columbia. Rhymnocerous called less and less frequently. I have NO idea where I went wrong. I soon became mildly deranged with the idea that maybe he had died or become injured while flying planes. I dismissed these delusions when one day, news feed on facebook told me that he had just become friends with someone. *Pilot is now friends with Jane Doe*
I went for a long time wondering what happened, and then one day out of the blue about 6 months later, he re-entered my life. He apologized, stating that things had gotten too serious too fast for him, and that he was immature for not telling me what happened, and running away. I believed his every word, I am a quick forgiver, and I was anxious to see how great things could be with this guy. He started making promises to come visit. Once he chose tennis, then promised another time, and couldn't make it for some other reason. Then he finally promised me that he would see me before New Years that year. You guessed it, he failed to make that happen too. Like I said, I can forgive almost anything, if you ask me to. Instead of telling me why he couldn't make it this time, it seems like he had disappeared again, without a word.
I wanted to go crazy and leave him angry messages, I wanted to ask why he could'nt seem to get it together, but I know that I am slightly afraid of what his answers would be. Now he will never know, what he could have had, but messed up twice.
Universal rule # 5
Long distance can be a success, if you work at it. Beware long distance also allows for one or both parties to vanish almost with out a trace, leaving the other party perplexed by the other species.
I believe that we make time for the things we want to make time for. I was just not that thing for him, like he was for me. I have learned, and now I move on. Happy Birthday to me!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Mr. Will you marry me after only one date!
There are probably millions of Justin's out there, because most parents are not creative enough to pick something unique, for their kids names. Maybe they think that naming their kid Justin, will save them from enduring teasing, because of a more creative name like Apple, or a modern day Moses, however I think that having a unique name sets the tone for a child's life, giving them ample opportunities to make mistakes, and then to give the excuse that it was the parents fault for giving them a horrible name.
Back to the point, seeing how there are, by my calculations, millions of Justin's out there, you are unlikely to ever meet the one I am talking about. However, if you ever meet a Justin that fits this description, help a lady out and splash your drink in his face, and contact me, at which point I will reimburse you for your spilt cocktail!
I met Justin at Karaoke Tuesday, this particular night, ( I state this as a defense for the events that occur later) I was partaking in perhaps one too many cocktails. Justin approached me after I sang and gave me many praises, as is to be expected. He spoke with me a few minutes, and asked me if he could "have the honor of escorting me to dinner" of course I accepted, he spoke nice, and I was drunk. The next day he text me to make arrangements. That very week, he was picking me up at 7:00 for dinner. His car was an immaculately clean Lexus. Justin did not quite resemble what my memory had pieced together from several nights ago. He happened to be my height, and slightly balding prematurely at a young 27. I could actually handle both of these things, if he had not been a dating idiot, in fact I actually find some bald men very attractive.
Justin opened my car door, which earned him a few points early on. We arrive at the restaurant, and sit down to have a nice awkward first date dinner. Without consulting me, he took the liberty of ordering an appetizer which sounded foreign to me. Normally I think that having a man order for me is alright, however, I am a terribly picky eater (I am in no way proud of this fact), and Justin had no idea because he didn't know me at all. When the appetizer came out, it was nothing that I would ever try in a million years. Justin had the nerve to make agitated remarks about my non willingness to try something new. He was scolding me on our first date, this pissed me off.
Our entrees came next and the conversation got worse. Justin started asking what my future plans were, which was nice, but he seemed disappointed with my passion for live performance. He continued by talking about his future plans. These plans consisted of marrying the next girl that he started dating seriously. He asked me if I saw myself married in the next one to two years. Naturally, as a woman, I heard him proposing to me. All women hear differently than men, and we hear every little thing they say as proposals of marriage, which is one reason why men are afraid of us! I was shocked and appalled by his forwardness, and I just wanted to go home. However, he drug me through an annoying movie.
During the movie, he didn't whisper things to me, he spoke them aloud at his normal speaking volume. This is the most annoying thing to me, as an avid movie goer. No I do not think that guy is hilarious for driving his tricycle naked into a freezing pond, I think that he is maybe without a functioning brain, and most of all I want to think these thoughts to myself, instead of annoying the poor people around me, who are stuck listening to your commentary!
He drove me home. We were silent most of the way, until sitting in the parking lot outside my building. I was respectfully saying thank you for dinner, and the stupid movie, which he refused to let me pay for any of. I personally always offer to pay, especially under circumstances where I know that I will not be dating with this person ever again! We were sitting there and he went in, for what I thought to be an awkward car hug, and most unfortunately for me, it turned out to be an even more awkward car kiss! I failed to mention earlier that Justin had been growing a grizzly mustache/beard combo, which now looking back on, was probably psychological. My theory is that he was growing this to make up for his premature balding. This meant that when he grabbed my head and pulled it to his face, I was seriously molested by his prickly friends. Occasionally I find some scruff to be sexy, but the way he forced his onto me, was traumatizing, and unbearable. I pulled away as soon as I could, and walked to my door, when I heard him yell out "I'll call you!".
A week later he asked me to karaoke with him. Seeing how I never miss a week, I said (sigh) I will just see you there. When I arrived he was glued to my hip, and cock blocked me all night. He even dedicated some awful song to me. So you might ask yourself: What's a girl to do? Well at the end of this night, I said to him " I am not interested in marrying you". One would assume that, that would do the trick, however it did not. Justin continued to text me several times, he even asked me if we could spend the holidays together, and if I would go to a movie with him. Was he crazy? I think yes.
Justin recently called me, since I had deleted his number I stupidly answered his call. The events that then occurred over the phone are horrifying and I refuse to relive them! Now and forever he is listed in my phone as : Danger I want to Marry You Justin!
Lady Rule # 4
NEVER erase the numbers of men you hope to never talk to again! Instead simply store them in a fashion which will remind you not to answer
Man Rule # 4
NEVER speak about marriage on a first date, never speak aloud during movies, and NEVER force a woman's face upon your unruly and abrasive facial hair. Oh and lastly never take a "I am not interested in marrying you!" as an invitation to try harder!
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