Mr. Unrequited Love

 

Mr. Unrequited Love

This time two years ago, I was at a person’s home, a home I had thought was mine, crying and watching the movie The Holiday. In the first scene of this film, Kate Winslet’s character is writing a newspaper article and drudging on about her own unrequited love story. At 32 years old, I didn’t know what the term unrequited love meant. I looked it up and instantly found myself freshly out of a relationship with a person, who I could only deduce, didn’t love me back. And so we have “The one who didn’t love me back”, or “Mr. Unrequited Love”. I have this idea, this dream, that the perfect match, or even at the very least, the match that I end up with, will have a minimal desire to love me back. A partner is out there, who wants to love me back, because living a life without me would be the end of all endings.

For an extended amount of time, I admit, I was with a man, a grown man, who was selfish. Selfish at almost every turn, and yet, I loved him. Now, perhaps my soured viewpoint today is because our relationship ended two years ago, and I just can’t seem to recall any of the times he was selfless. Isn’t there something to be said for that though? Of course there WERE good times, or I wouldn’t have stayed. In truth I was infatuated. I thought he was my person.

It all started before I even knew. It was December 2015 and I was volunteer bartending a funeral or “Celebration of Life” at the Elks Lodge. As the event was winding down, and I was trying to cut out for the night, a handsome gentleman approached me. It was just at the wrong time. You know the saying – “When you least expect it, it will happen”? Well I wasn’t really expecting it, but all at once 4 men in my life were all approaching me and I didn’t know what to do. THIS man, approached me and stood out from all the rest. Unbeknownst to me, someone we mutually knew had told him ALL about me, and that was his “in” on this occasion.

“So, I know you went to Stephens College, I know you majored in Theatre. I know you are going to Australia soon, to see an old boyfriend, I know you work like three jobs, I know you are funny, you love McGinty’s, Karaoke, and you love to travel….” I mean this guy knew it all. He knew so much about me, that I wanted to categorize him as a stalker and duck out quickly watching my back at each turn. He asked me to have a drink with him that night, which I declined, I had to get home to Sweet Opie.

About 6 month and a trip halfway around the world later, I put something on social media saying I was thinking of going to the Elks Lodge. That night, I’m in the parking lot of the Lodge and what do you know Mr. Unrequited Love comments on my post, saying “You should totally come up here”. What’s a girl to do? I was already in the parking lot. I walked in, sat at the bar alone, and tried to not notice the cute stalker man sitting at a table with a couple of mutual friends. I sat there at the bar on my Ipad, drinking a beverage and not more than 30 minutes in, he comes over. “Hey, good to see you again, you should come join us at our table so you aren’t all alone.” Of course I lied and said I preferred to be alone. He comes back a while later, “Oh come on, come over to our table and talk with us”. Again- I explain it’s been a long day, and I’m just trying to relax alone. Third time he comes over and says “Just do a shot with me, its harmless”. I agree to a shot to get him off my case, and down the hatch it goes.  I stay in my seat at the bar, legs crossed in my chair, intently engaged in my Ipad, and he goes back to his table. Sometime in the next hour, the bar has gotten busy, it’s loud, and I find myself singing in my chair feeling a little buzzed and relaxed from the long work day, now feeling a bit curious about the guy at the table nearby. Just as the songs change to a quick one, he approaches again “Dance with me” not a request, but more of a demand. Let’s face it, as I’ve written before, it’s my number one rule. If a man asks you to dance, you dance, as there is no harm that can come from it, and you will save yourself from hurting a man’s ego. Little did I know, this guy’s ego was the LAST thing I needed to worry about injuring. The problem here, was that he was a GREAT dancer. He spun me around the floor just like I liked it, with ease and without instruction.

One thing leads to another and we were full on dating.

Ok, don’t hate me, he at some point in there, admits he is technically married, but has been trying to finalize a divorce from his “crazy wife” for over a year, and promises that it’s almost over. His family and friends all confirm that she’s nuts. Here’s the thing, the more I spent time with him, the more I was intrigued and the faster I fell for him. He was a smart ass, which is apparently my go to feature in a man. He was aggressive enough about wanting to see me and spend time with me, and that’s frankly all it took. 

We spent all of our available time together. I went on my favorite trip to date, with my girlfriend to Europe, and all I could think of throughout my days there, were “I wonder what he’s doing” “I wish he were here” “I wish we were together”. A few months later… he introduced his amazing kiddos to me. A few months after that, we moved in together. He bought a house, and for the first time in my life, I got a glimpse of what it would be like to have a family of my own. I helped to decorate the kid’s rooms so that they would feel comfortable and happy in their new home that they had no real choice in sharing with me. I made from scratch matching Christmas pajamas for the family. I made Halloween costumes, I made dinners, I baked desserts for family gatherings, I did the laundry, I offered tutoring help, I did the cleaning, I went to every kid’s extra-curricular activity that I possibly could and I LOVED it. I thought that I was supporting those kids. I was putting in a lot of work for the kids and family to let me in as their own and one day accept me.

Somewhere in all of this, things started getting hard. Some of his family just couldn’t be pleased. They had no idea what was really going on with our family or everyday life, but whatever I did was wrong. Sure the kids acted out against me, but I have to still convince myself that it wasn’t truly against me, rather them acting out against the idea of having a stepmom figure that they (in the middle of adolescence) didn’t want or need. In this family, the kids in the family simply rule the roost. Whatever they say, is truth without question. Mr. Unrequited Love even had told me, no matter what, his kids were always going to come first. Which, I understand, but also don’t completely agree with. Knowing that the day always comes when the kids move out, go off and start families of their own, and then the parents’ only option is to turn to their partner again. I see the importance of making that relationship an important priority. I mean at the end of the day, I was never saying “No, let’s not go to X game/event so we can have alone time”, I truly enjoyed putting his kids as my first a lot of the time too, and yet it wasn’t enough.

With all of this going on, and us into our 2.5 yrs of dating, we were going to Europe on a vacation that we had been planning for a very long time. The trip came and went. We got into a fight on the trip that I just couldn’t shake. Somehow he brought up engagement, and how people had kept asking him if he was going to propose on our big trip… Apparently he wasn’t, but I can’t help feel that he thought I had been perpetuating the idea to our friends and family, which is absolutely the furthest thing from truth. We had, at this point in our relationship absolutely, had conversations about shitting or getting off the pot. I had clearly said from the beginning of our relationship that I may want kids and marriage in my future, and that he needed to be honest if that’s not what he wanted. At several points in our time together, we discussed- is that ok, do we want the same things? Mr. Unrequited Love always would say things like “I just don’t know what I want” This should have been a red flag, but I kept thinking to myself – who WOULD’NT want what we have? We laughed together, we drank well together, we danced well together, and we were able to actually have adult conversations instead of fights about issues. WHO DOES THAT?

December 2018 rolls around and my family is up having Christmas in Columbia at our house, and someone says something about “What are your intentions with my daughter?” and all hell breaks loose. I ended up mad at my family for bringing it up, when in all actuality I should have been livid with Mr. Unrequited Love’s lack of response. Within the next week, we have our first ever real arguments and one thing leads to another. The night before Christmas Eve, Mr. Unrequited Love finally fesses up- “I don’t think I can make you happy… I don’t want to get married and I don’t want any more kids”. . . I was blindsided. I mean we never even had arguments. I could have seen this coming if we never got along or had screaming matches, but he and I ourselves never had issues. His family, as I said had issues with me, which is a whole other story. Shocked and tearing up, I ask “What if I settle for one of the two, would you marry me and have no more kids, or have another child and not marry?” His response was “No”. This was the end of "Kitty and Dick". I sat there in that house that night, not wanting to impose on any of my friends so close to Christmas. Too shocked to think of going to a hotel, watching The Holiday and making new best friends with Kate Winslet’s character, convincing myself that I still have some gumption in me. Blindsided with the disgusting feeling that I had just spent 2.5 years wrapped up in unrequited love.

You may be reading this and thinking to yourself- Surely there were other problems that compounded to this moment. I’ve spared you the details of what the kids put me through, because that should have been things we as adults could overcome, and they were kids- just poorly expressing their feelings. I’ve told you nothing about my poor experiences with his mother, ex-wife, or half-sister, because as I was taught, if you have nothing good to say, say nothing. Truly from my vantage point Mr. Unrequited Love and I had manageable issues that are similar to everyone else’s. The trouble I saw, for the very first time, was that Mr. Unrequited Love didn’t love me back. I think he liked the idea of me, but I don’t think he ever loved me the same that I loved him. If someone loves you, they are willing to make small sacrifices, stand up for you to their family, and persevere through it all because they know you are their person. They know that the small sacrifice is nothing compared to a life lived without their person.

I have the absolute best friends family a single gal could ask for. FRIENDS took me in as family on Christmas that year, although Mr. Unrequited Love had so kindly (Puke) invited me to stay and watch the kids unwrap the presents I had bought and carefully wrapped for them. I found an apartment the day after Christmas. FRIENDS rallied behind me and held my hand as I packed. They helped me leave the house that I had painted, decorated, and had made a home.

Less than a month later, Mr. Unrequited love was dating a woman that he had introduced me to earlier in our relationship- an acquaintance that was a lodge member. They dated for about a year. Six months into their relationship he came to me, telling me all the right things- I want to break up with her yadda yadda, although he didn’t actually have the balls…. Not TOO long after he finally did break up with that woman, and ironically – just when his alimony payments were ending, his ex-wife moved back in. I think this was the worst part of my pain. To hear that a woman I spent years of my life, helping a partner (so I thought) get over, was now BACK. A woman that his family members proclaimed to dislike… It was a dagger to the heart. Taking a step back, I have to say- if they are able to stick together until those kids are of legal age, that’s the positive take away.                                                                                                                                     

SO, here we are back at where we all started. Mr. Unrequited Love is back with his wife, and helping to raise her very young son from another Mr.. Its funny in the end of our relationship, he had told me he didn’t want to be married or have more kids HAHAHA talk about ironic. Here I am, looking for someone that realizes the small sacrifice is nothing compared to a life lived without me. Looking for that partner who wants to love me back, because living a life without me would be the end of all endings. Here I am, finding my gumption again, and taking on the role of Leading Lady in my own love life.

Lady Lesson #131

Acknowledge red flags- Whether you get out or keep moving forward, it’s important to acknowledge that your body is trying to send you a message. I don’t like to live in the “coulda shoulda woulda” mindset. I don’t regret this relationship, but I could have moved on a hell of a lot sooner, had I listened to the red flags

Lady Lesson #24

HOLD OUT- Hold out for the person that treats you better than any other human on the planet. I may be holding out until my deathbed, but I’m not going to end up living my life miserable with someone who doesn’t truly love me back.

Lady Lesson #312

Don't be a "Suga Momma" I spent those years paying for trips to Mexico, Las Vegas, Jamaica, and Europe. Telling myself that it was all short term and that someday once the man was finished paying alimony we would share more in those expenses, and he would be able to treat me in those special ways WRONG. I was used. Don't be used. 

Gentleman Lesson #41

Know what you want and be honest. Had Mr. Unrequited Love been honest with himself and me from the beginning, maybe we would have each been spared this blogpost. I know he always wanted to be in a blog of mine, it’s just that I always wanted him to be the last blog I’d ever have to write, and he didn’t seem to have a preference.

Single. Adventurous. Happy.

Singledom. I see and read articles all the time that are titled something to the effect of: 15 Reasons You're With the Man of Your Dreams, 10 Signs You're One Of THOSE Couples, 200 Date Ideas to Keep It Fresh. I see those articles, and I think "Man that sounds nice." It has been 7 years since I've been in a relationship that lasted any more than 3 months. Think about that. 7 years is a LONG time. It's 84 months, 364 weeks and 2556 days of mostly living life as a single grown ass woman. Instead of weeping about the sadness surrounded with all of that, I choose to shed light on the positives surrounding the past 7 years of being single in today's blog. The following is a list of thing's I've done in the past 7 years of my singledom. Please note I will soon be able to add: Traveled to Ireland on a solo trip for a wedding.

I/I've:

1. Graduated college with a magical degree that I chose for better, for worse.
2. Gave drunk strangers rides home from downtown.
3. Received a ride from a sweet stranger (still friends on FB) to both Walmart and home one night when I was drunk. 
4. Gone on an adventure that took me to California.
5. Navigated myself (Sometimes pulling over an crying out of being scared and lost) through an entire year of living in Los Angeles, CA. 
6. Started eating Sweet Potatoes, asparagus, spinach, and the occasional broccoli.
7. Worked for Mary Ann of Gilligan's Island and had the cajones to quit when I wasn't being treated with respect. 
8. Drove across the country by myself, stopping in the middle of the night to pee in the middle of the desert, because I hadn't planned ahead. 
9. Danced in the rain with friends.
10. Joined a couple of different bands.
11. Worked on being ok with my naked body. 
12. Started a career. 
13. Grown unafraid of going to movies alone.
14. Attended weddings solo
15. Moved about 10 times, only keeping what would fit in my car.
16. Donated money to some good causes.
17. Started exercising more.
18. Gone to concerts
19. Planned trips and flew by myself. 
20. Reunited with an old flame.
21. Went to the doctor. 
22. Made some of the BEST friends a girl could ask for. 
23. Performed in probably the hardest play of my life, tackling pages and more pages of monologue after monologue. 
24. Found some satisfaction and solace in what my singing voice can and can't do, after years of being criticized for it. 
25. Performed in a Sketch comedy troupe.
26. Took Vicodin and vodka- then survived. Saw a couch come alive on 1/2 an Ambien.
27. Went drunk bicycling and failed majorly. 
28. Was celibate for well over a year.
29. Crashed a stranger's wedding.
30. Had my car broken into twice.- Once losing half of my belongings. 
31. Got fired.
32. Learned to play craps, black jack, and Texas Hold'em
33. Volunteered!!
34. Substitute taught all grades- helped to teach me patience.
35. Became Aunt E
36. Threw some pretty great parties.
37. Had some awesome roommates. 
38. Went on Motorcycle rides. 
39. Took some nearly naked photos. 
40. Gave my heart away a little too soon a couple of times. 
41. Learned to have more respect for my parents. 
42. Found out my dad is actually a way cooler person than I ever gave him credit before. 
43. Was there for a friend when she really needed me. 
44. Driven the distance to see my friends, when they were visiting in my state. 
45. Realized that it's worth looking into, when you find that chemistry with someone- even if it ends terribly, in my experience it's always been worth sharing your time and seeing where it goes. 
46. Experienced an 8 hour Megabus trip. 
47. Saw a male stripper show. 
48. Kissed a stranger on New Years Eve.
49. Slept through New Years Eve 3 times. 
50. Made my own Thanksgiving feast for one. 
51. Actually completed some of those Pinterest pins
52. Started asking myself "Do I WANT that, or do I NEED that?" before I make purchases.-Sometimes ignoring the fact that the answer to that question was want. 
53. Started teaching myself to play guitar.
54. Became aware of my negative traits/qualities.  
55. Decided to endeavor to leave people happy they met me.

Being a single person for an extended period of time has many effects on a person. For me, I question all the time, my love-ability. I question my selfishness. I question my beauty inside and out. I question why it is that men can't commit to me. I question my adventurous spirit getting in the way of relationships. There are so many things that we could examine here. However, I've learned that I am who I am. I strive to be a better person, and to do more for others than I do for myself. I am ok with who I am: a 28 year old single lady who lives life full. I don't sit at home sad about my life. I go out and have adventures, have conversations with strangers, I make memories. 

While this blog is focused on my dating stories, usually a bit outrageous in nature, I want you to know that I'm ok with my singledom. I haven't been asked out on a formal date in a while, or if it WAS a formal date, I wasn't really sure. I want you to know that I have a handful of wonderful men in my life. Shout out to YOU guys. I enjoy spending my time with these men. Men who come to my aid when I can't quite do it myself. Men who I have great respect for. When I go out alone with one of  these men, people always get around to asking if we are dating.  Can't we just be a couple of great male and female friends? Or is that when Harry Met Sally thing really true? Men and women can't actually be friends, without one or both parties actually wanting more than a plain old friendship.

That's it- I will get off of my solitary soapbox for one. 

Lady Rule #42

I hope you take a note from me, and live life to the fullest regardless of being in a relationship or single. Also- I have a great handful of women that I cherish and love spending time with, who are there for me when I need them- so shout out to you gals too! 

Gentleman Rule #42

It's important to be there for the single ladies in your life. Be stand up guys they can rely on in sticky situations, because even if she's a feminist, I guarantee she thinks it's nice to be surrounded by great, reliable men. It probably also gives her hope that there will be one left, when the time comes that she's ready to settle down.

AND- if it's a date, make sure she knows. In the current world we live in, the lines are very blurry.

P.S. Several people have suggested videotaping my life for the world to see. If anyone is actually willing to follow me everywhere with a camera...the job pays in deep painful belly laughs.

Elaina Dated No One in 2014, & That's Okay

It's been a good long while, since I have written any new blogs, and that is directly attributed to one thing.

I have not dated anyone for an entire year. That's right, February marks an entire year of no dating, no sex, and no new stories to write about. Believe me it's not for a lack of trying to date. It's not like I set off last year with the hopes of celibacy, it just happened.

This weekend, I caught the bouquet at a very dear friend's wedding. The truer description of the "Catching of the bouquet", is that I stole the bouquet out of an old lady's grasp. After soaking in the joy of having "caught it", I realized that I had just ripped that chance out of an old lady's hands. It could have been her last shot, at convincing her lover- believe me, I know her, she has one- to finally make it legal, and put a ring on it. Then, thinking further on the subject, I realized that could be me one day, old and still "living in sin", and I was ok with it.

I saw the struggle of planning a wedding first hand, as my friend dealt with people pleasing, planning, and organizing for her wedding. Not to mention the fact that over the last year, I've also witnessed and been made aware of several partners cheating on one another, in marriages that were seemingly very strong. I DO believe in marriage. For the right two people, I have to believe that a marriage, a partnership, can be one of the most powerful and rewarding things in life. I wish my friend the absolute very best in her marriage and I am whole heartedly rooting for her and her husband.

For me, right now, I'm content with where I am. I lost my job today. I think this is a time to re-evaluate where I am in life, and what is important to me. I want to travel, I want to write more, I want to be a strong individual. I began 2014 thinking that I was on my way to becoming a big girl. I was right. I may not have that big girl job, but I've got my big girl pants on, and I am making big girl decisions everyday, proudly, and I do it alone for now.


This is a photo of the bouquet toss. I am standing directly behind where the bride is in this photo, and if you look to the left of the bride's shoulder, there is an older woman. She had her hands on the bouquet before I ripped the flowers away. I meant business. This photo is courtesy of someone who is not myself....I hope they don't mind.

Mr. Can I Come to Your House?

Seeing how I am still currently seeking that special person to live to the end with, I went out on the prowl with a bunch of women to a bar. We drank, we danced (with a man in a wheel chair), I yelled at the attractive owner of the bar, a Garth Brooks impersonator was there, and some man I had never met came home with me....I know I make terrible decisions.

It all started when I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to go see a Garth Brooks tribute band Saturday night, and attempt to get ourselves laid (this was a partial joke on my side) and she hesitantly agreed. So we decided to go to a big ol country bar with a bunch of my girl's other girlfriends. Please keep in mind that these ladies are all in their 40's through out the story, I think it adds a little something extra.

We started Pre-drinking an hour before we were set to arrive at the big ol country bar. My girlfriend said to me "Elaina, if you don't get laid tonight, it's your fault, because you look smokin!" I was testing out my brand new cowgirl boots that night, with a cute dress, I was set for dancing, not really in the sheets, but dancing on a dance floor for sure! I think we each slammed 3 drinks, and drove to the bar before they hit us. When we arrived I was a little disappointed at the turn out, but we were arriving rather early, since my new found friends all wanted to get prime parking spots. They swore to me that if we didn't get there by 8:30, we would have to walk from BFE.

Once we arrived and got our nifty wristbands to meet the band....we hit the bathroom like giddy schoolgirls anxious for what the night would hold. I quickly read a sign in the bathroom stall that said they had a bottomless cup special every Saturday night. I was stoked, because I thought it was going to be an expensive night. Upon exiting the bathroom, I B-lined to the bar, where I suspected I would saddle up for a while, until more potentials arrived. I asked the bartender for the bottomless cup special, and was severely disappointed when I was told they didn't offer the special on concert nights...I ran over to the closest poster to take a magnified look. NOwhere on the poster did it say that they offered this special every Saturday, except on concert nights....I took this ammo over to the bartender, and he said he could get the manager for me. I was just enough tipsy that I said "Sure, where is he? I'd love to talk to them!" The bartender pointed me in the direction of a white haired man sitting on the other side of the bar. Of course I walked my little ass over, and shook the man's hand asking for his name.

I semi jokingly told the man my story, asking him why the posters didn't have the Exception line somewhere in the fine print. He replied that he didn't know why, that they were new posters and that even the old posters didn't mention this clause, and that I wasn't the first to complain about them. Ha. This fired me up more. He said "What can I do to make you happy?" I told him that "I'd love you to just give me the special." He sat there looking at me for too long, and I finally added to my last sentence "Robb who do we need to talk to, to make this happen?" He told me I'd have to talk with the owner. To which I replied something like "Great, let's get the owner."

Please keep in mind that my new found friends are all standing around while this is going on, not hovering really, but closely watching the entire situation unfold before their eyes, probably stunned at my gumption.

Robb comes back with the owner. Let me tell you...This was a HANDSOME man. Built well, great looks, and an awesome smile. I may have lost my stance a little, I'm not going to lie. It's like my brain went the opposite direction from semi frustrated, to full on flirt mode. I shook the man's hand, and he asked me to tell my side of the story all over again. Once I got through my complaint, he said "You know what, let me buy you and all of your friends a round of drinks." I tried saying no thank you, after all I didn't want a free round of drinks for all of my friends, I wanted the damned special for myself, so I said to him "I don't want you to buy me a drink, that wasn't my point, (and in my tipsy state I said the following from out of nowhere) if anything I will buy YOU a drink!" The owner smiled at me and thought for a minute before he said "HAha maybe after work." With that he told the bartender to make all of our drinks, and walked away (Sadly I never laid eyes on the man the rest of the night). I refused my free drink and tipped the poor bartender ten bucks for his trouble.

Looking back on it, how did that happen? I ended up paying for a bottomless cup that they wouldn't give me, and all my friends got free drinks...I suck at complaining. Anyway from that first half of the story I may sound like a complete raging psycho, but stay with me.

After getting our drinks, and setting up camp near the dance floor, it was time to meet the band. I don't know why, but I had NO desire to look like a groupie, or VIP person. I think a couple of the ladies in our group went to the meet and greet, but I never heard anything about it. Next thing I know a man who is borderline little person height is onstage singing Garth Brooks tunes. I will admit this man DID look a little like Mr. Brooks, and he definitely sounded like him a lot. He was also wearing one of those classic color-block button ups, that looked like it came straight out of Mr. Brooks' closet.

We were all jammin out to tunes from the nineties, and having a grand ol time. I went to sit down back at camp, and found that a couple of young guys (maybe 21) in wheel chairs had set up their own camp next to ours. I smiled at them as I took my seat and checked my phone. I kept seeing them look back at me, and then re-arrange their chairs. They were worried they were blocking my view of the performer, which is funny because even though he was on a stage....he was short. I told the young guys that they were fine right where they were, not to worry about it.

Later on in the night, my girlfriend was ready to play matchmaker with one of her daughter's friends. She told this friend to take me for a spin on the dance floor. The man was sweet. He could dance, and we two-stepped around the floor for a while. He tried to buy me a drink, which I also refused...I don't know what it is about letting men buy me drinks. I need a lesson in accepting drinks. Anyway we went outside and talked for a while, and he seemed pretty easy to talk to. When we came back in, I met up with the girls on the dance floor, and we continued dancing just us girls for a little while.

At some point I noticed our wheel chair guys, had joined us on the dance floor, and they were hanging out really close to us, so our circles combined. Before I knew it one of the guys took my hand and asked me to dance. Honestly, how do you dance with a man in a wheel chair? I accepted his dance request, and her sort of held hands swaying back and forth. When the song ended, he wasn't letting go of my hand, and we stood there. Then he pulled on my hand so that I would lean in closer. He said "This is one of my favorite slow songs, would you dance with me again?" I said sure, and we started swaying softly. He then said to me "Would you just sit on my lap, and I will do all the work?" Seriously if any other man used this line, I'd probably slap him. Instead I politely saddled up side saddle style and he maneuvered us in a small circular motion around our friends. In my mind I have to say, I was a little uncomfortable. The song ended, and I climbed off and thanked him for the dances, at which point the man who had danced me around earlier took my other hand and sort of sashayed me away.

The night was winding down, and before we knew it, it was last call. I was still a bit tipsy from my vodka drinking, two-stepping, and circular wheel chair dancing. All the girls gathered our things, and started heading out to the parking lot. If anyone had to park a mile away that night to get to the bar, they all were gone at this point, and the parking lot was only lightly peppered with cars. The man my friend had introduced me to, walked me to my car, where we lingered for a few moments. My girlfriend called out to me from her car "Are you alright?" I replied with a "Sure, I'll be fine!" and away she went. The man was standing rather close to me, and asked me if he was coming back to my house or driving home to Fulton.... I was honestly not very interested in this man, but I really didn't want him to drive all the way to Fulton, having drank as much as he had. We talked it out, and I confirmed that if I didn't let him come to my house, he would have no alternative, than to drive to Fulton.

I felt bad and caved. He got in my car, and I warned him, as I warn all passengers, that I am an unlucky driver. We made it home, and made a couple more cocktails. We sat on the porch talking, and he asked me if I was ready to go to bed....I said.....(cricket cricket cricket) we can go to bed, you can sleep in my bed, but I am NOT having sex with you. He looked at me with a disappointed face, and after a moment I asked "Should I have told you that when you asked to come back to my house?" He said yeah I probably should have... Jeeze. I just didn't want the man to drive so far. I apologized to the man, and we went in to bed. He started making out with me. He was REALLY trying, to the point of being insistent, and then a bit forceful. Not dangerously forceful, but uncomfortably so. I told him AGAIN that it wasn't going to happen and I rolled over to sleep.

It didn't take long, and I was awakened by him rubbing himself on me, kissing my shoulder. I sat straight up and said "Dude it's not happening!" He said "OK ok that's fine." That was around 5 am. I got up got some water, and sat on the couch for a while hoping he would fall asleep before I tried laying down again. I went back to bed and woke up at like 8am. I didn't get any sleep. How would you handle a situation like that the next morning? I woke up, he was awake, and I sat up in bed. I am NOT kidding, he tried pulling my body back down to mess around. I said, "Dude give it a rest, are you hungry? I'm going to make breakfast." Without a response I got out of bed and went to the kitchen. I made him, and my roomskie breakfast. Then I asked him if he was ready for me to take him to his car. He said sure, and we made the trek.

When we got to his car, he asked me if I was going to take his number. I literally laughed out loud to his face, and said "Sure, I will take your number." After he leaned in to kiss me (I gave him cheek) we parted ways.

Later that day, I got a Facebook request from this man, which I ignored. Then I got a Facebook message from him, asking me if I had his wallet. Turns out he left his wallet (with $250 in cash) on my couch. We had to arrange for him to come and pick it up the next day.

All in all it was a completely terrible experience. I learned several lessons, as you all should have as well.

Gentleman Lesson #41
If a woman tells you she is not having sex with you, don't assume that she doesn't mean it. If she has told you she's not having sex with you, and you proceed to try to put the moves on her anyway, and she turns you down...Don't try two more additional times. I mean I give you props for not giving up....but seriously you should just give up.

Lady Lesson #41
If a man asks you if he is coming back to your house, do yourself a favor and clarify right then and there if you are or are not going to be having sex with him. It's sad to think that after all of this dating I could have been so naive to assume a guy would be ok with not having sex in that scenario. (I'm still hoping for the best in a man)

If the special on the poster isn't actually being offered at a bar, probably should save yourself from looking like a bitch to the hot owner, and just give it a rest.

Lastly, If a man in a wheelchair asks you to dance, just do it. I stand by my own rule still today, that I will NEVER say no to an invitation to dance. If a man has the nerve to ask you to dance, you should have the nerve to accept. A dance is harmless.

Mr. Made Me a Mistress

It all started one night when I was working at the Elks lodge (my favorite home away from home), minding my own business. I would not really expect a good looking bachelor to waltz into the Elks Lodge...until he did. I served the man rum all night, and thought to myself that he was a very attractive man, and he definitely wasn't wearing a ring. He began lingering at the bar and talking to me. I recall him complementing me, and continually asking if I would give him my number. I resisted doing this, for as long as a lady really should. I found him attractive, he obviously found me attractive, so what was the harm in giving him my number? He was probably going to lose it anyway. So I gave him my number, and he said that he would take me out to dinner a couple of days from then.

The days went by, and I didn't hear anything from him. Days turned into a week and a half. Finally he text me, and I pretended not to have the faintest idea who he was. That weekend he came in to town (He lives near St. Louis) and took me out.

I remember being more nervous for this date than I had been on dates in a while. He was taking me to one of the nicest restaurants in town, which I had never been to. I had only met the guy once, but I was excited at the prospect. He showed up and was just as I had remembered him, adorably handsome. We went to dinner that night in his Hummer truck thing. I'm not going to lie, it was pretty impressive, and he casually mentioned that he usually drove his other car... We went to dinner and hit it off right away. There wasn't a moment that felt forced, and we could easily talk to each other. Over dinner he informed me that he was recently divorced, and that he had a daughter. The fact that he was recently divorced made me a little nervous, I will admit. I don't ever want to be somebody's rebound, but we seemed to have really great chemistry, so I was willing to let my nervous feeling go, and just see where things went. This was a man for me. He was successful with work, and had plenty of ambition, for the future. He was great to look at, funny, and could carry a conversation.

From dinner we went bowling, and from bowling we went to a bar close to my home. We were having a great time, and I should probably mention that we were also partaking in alcohol, who could have guessed that one? Soon it was time to go home. Since I was really liking this guy, and I didn't know about his sleeping arrangements, (since he was from out of town) somewhere along the way I invited him to stay the night. I wasn't going to have sex with this man, after all, I had just met him. I WAS going to have a little bit of fun with him! Things moved right along, and I could tell he was disappointed that I wouldn't have sex with him, but maybe (i'd like to think) pleasantly surprised by it too.

We went to lunch the next day before he had to leave, and we made plans to see each other again, the next time he was in town. I saw this man a few additional times, sharing a bed with him each time, but I was holding on to that sex card pretty tightly. We talked about holiday plans. Christmas was approaching, and Mr. Made Me a Mistress was looking at spending Christmas alone. I couldn't let that happen, AND my family doesn't really have much going on for holidays. So we made plans to meet at his condo at the lake for Christmas. It sounded quite picturesque in my mind, and it really was. We spent all night and the next day lounging and just relaxing, getting to know each other MUCH better than we already had. He was a wonderful Christmas present to me, if you know what I mean (which I'm sure you do!).

From there out, we made plans for him to visit me, and me to visit him, and then one day he suggested I meet his daughter. To me this is a big sign. In my mind it meant he was really liking me, and we had some potential for long term. In hindsight I think maybe he just wanted to introduce me, because he knew that it was inevitable, the way we had been spending time with each other, that I would eventually meet his daughter. I went to spend the weekend with said man, and had the lovely opportunity to meet his fun, very smart, beautiful daughter. That night when she was in bed, Mr. Made Me a Mistress and I were sitting in the kitchen, listening to music, and having a great honest conversation. We were confessing intimate things to one another, and I felt so close to the man. I'm pretty sure it was this night at his kitchen table that he told me his divorce was not actually final yet. I told him that I didn't want to be a rebound, and that I was really nervous about him jumping from such a relationship, into whatever it was that we were doing. He told me that he was a relationship type of guy, and that was all he knew. One of my favorite songs came on, and I made him dance with me right there, in the kitchen.

We spent New Year's Eve together at his house, with his daughter, and he said to me, "If you will spend this New Year's Eve at my house, not doing anything, I will take you to New York for the ball drop next year." Um what girl would say no to that? Clearly things were moving right along. He was giving me all the signs that he was interested, and I was blissfully happy with where we were.

Things continued for weeks. This is such an embarrassing thing to admit, but on one occasion, I actually showed up at his house in a trench coat and heels....I'm sure you can imagine what my outfit underneath was. *I would not recommend women doing this, especially not in the middle of a Midwest winter. I will also note that Mr. Made me a Mistress was the first person to really help me find comfort in my nakedness. I don't know how, but I have to credit him for that!

I would visit him, he would visit me. I spent more and more time with his daughter, going to her soccer game, cooking dinner with her, getting to know who she was. I was thoroughly invested. I found myself laughing with girlfriends about TECHNICALLY being a mistress for the first time ever in my life.

Then one fateful night I received the text. That's right, the text. Someone had referred to me as his girlfriend, and he was scared. Now please note that I had never called him my b/f, but because of something someone else said, something I had NO control over, he now wanted to slow things down. He mentioned not wanting to get into a relationship right after the divorce. I went white in the face, and didn't know at first how to respond. I'm pretty sure I suggested that this conversation take place via a phone call, or (hello!) in person. He said we could do that, but it never happened. One text after another, I could tell that he was out, as simple as that. Something someone else said to him, scared the man, and he wanted nothing more. I was angry. Very angry. I remember asking him if he had been using me all of this time for a sex toy, and not getting a reply. He said in one text that we could still talk if I wanted, and date once in a while. He said that I would never know how much good I did for him. That sounds like a sweet thing to say to someone, but really it just made me more angry that things were ending. I tried giving him some space. I tried only texting him once in a while over the next couple of weeks, and he would give me a short reply. The last time I reached out to him, was to wish him a wonderful birthday...he never responded. The twist of the knife was that very day when I went to his Facebook page, out of that curiosity we all have, and I got a message that said that if I wanted to see more of this person's page, to send them a friendship request...He had already de-friended me on Facebook?! I also, a month prior to this, had ordered a personalized gift for the man for his birthday...Now what's a girl supposed to do with a watch box with three not so random initials engraved on the top?

I had a really great cry. Watched my favorite tear jerker movies, and cried again. I have not, and sadly don't ever expect to hear from Mr. Made Me a Mistress again.

Lady Rule #32
While the idea of becoming a mistress sounds sexy, different, and wild, it really can be heartbreaking and not worth the "Fun". Once again, I allowed myself to really start falling for someone. I allowed my heart to lead instead of my head. Perhaps I should have gone with my gut, when it made me nervous he was getting out of a long very serious relationship. At any rate, I have learned yet another lesson in lust, and I am still wandering on, in search of my Mr. Made Me a Wife. Oh and never buy a personalized gift for a man unless you are in a committed relationship...

Gentleman Rule #32
Don't introduce your children to a mistress. Don't use women for sex toys, unless it is agreed upon by both parties in the beginning. Don't USE a woman to get better and to find your own personal happiness. Also probably shouldn't make promises you don't intend to keep...Ex: New Years Eve in New York next year. Seriously, guys do this all the time, they say things to women about the future, and that sends the women the message, that they are invested in said future....When really, time and time again, they are not.


**As much as I rant about not having found my life partner yet, I am a VERY happy, and fulfilled person, at least I think I am happier than a lot of people I know. I can be happy alone, I would just rather enjoy life with a best friend.

Stay tuned for next time. I am now forced into Online dating, and/or Celibacy.

Snowed in and Hammered

            Snow is something that I have always found to be beautiful, and fun. Even as a child some of my favorite memories were of my sister and I playing in the snow, and coming in to find mom had put our change of clothes in the drier to warm them for us. Unfortunately those days of frolicking in the snow are years past, and I wasn’t quite prepared for the 16ish inches that came down one night not so long ago.

            We had been told by weathermen to expect a lot of snow, but for anyone who isn’t from Missouri, you should know that Missouri is the only state where you can be a weatherman, be wrong all of the time, and still have a job. Needless to say I wasn’t very worried about the predicted snowfall. I traveled to one of the nearby bigger cities to visit an old friend who had flown in, and I was staying the night at another friend’s house altogether. This story mostly involves the latter; let’s just call him Mr. Let’s Get Wasted. I arrived at the home of Mr. Let’s Get Wasted, at which point he informed me that he was indeed planning on drinking a lot that night. This is something that I was completely fine with. As you have probably realized I like to partake in alcohol, partly for the effects it has on me, and mostly for the good stories that seem to develop out of it’s consumption.

            Mr. Let’s Get Wasted and I went to meet my old friend at a bar. We all played pool, and started consuming alcohol. I was on a pretty great vodka slide, and Mr. Wasted was drinking pitchers of beer by himself. My old friend had to leave, at which point Mr. Wasted and I continued to drink. When we were at an unhealthy level of intoxication, we decided to leave the bar. We made a stop at a convenient store so that I could continue my drinking at his house. I chose a bottle of Moscato of all things, and we ventured back to his casa. Please note that while purchasing the bottle of wine, I noticed it starting to snow, and absolutely did not think twice about it.

            I have no idea how it happened but I imagine that Mr. Wasted suggested our next activity. God knows strip poker isn’t something that I would ever think of to do. So he and I opened the wine and began playing cards. I am almost 100 percent certain that I was the champion and that I had clothes on the longest. Please realize that many men have asked me to play this unveiling game before, and I have NEVER gotten naked. I don’t know if I just refuse, or I keep slipping on new items of clothing, or what, but the serious level of intoxication that I was at on this particular night, fueled my inhibitions. I may or may not have said something like “Well I can’t let you be naked all alonesies!” and then I probably took off the rest of my clothes. The next thing I remember is Mr. Wasted calling me over to his lap. I would like to admit at this point that it had been a while since I had a sexual encounter. As I saddled up on his lap and we started making out, I was hit with an amazing idea.....

            I decided that I was not going to let him have it right away, and I drunkenly decided that we were going to play hide and seek in the dark, and it just so happened that we were also naked. I jumped from his lap told him to count and I ran away. My first thought was to hide in his basement. I ran downstairs and while looking for a good spot to hide in, the motion sensor lights came on!! Terrible idea, I had no clue those were down there. I was found almost instantly. On his turn to hide, Mr. Wasted hid behind a nearby door. Who the hell hides behind a door? I found him within 15 seconds.

           

            My next hiding place was ingenious! I ran upstairs (Naked) and found myself standing in the kitchen. You might be asking yourself, where in the world can someone hide in a kitchen… I was thinking this too. For some reason I started opening cabinet doors, and I happened to quickly find a relatively large and empty lower cabinet. I was able to successfully fit inside, just before I heard Mr. Wasted coming up the stairs. I closed the door and I have no idea how long I stayed in that cabinet. I am pretty sure I passed out, I snapped back as I heard “Elaina? I seriously give up, where are you?” In that instant I chuckled a little, and climbed out to find him standing in the doorway. My laugh caught his attention and he turned around in time to see me crawling out onto the floor. “Were you in there the whole time?” I answered yes, and claimed my second victory of the night. I don’t remember how we got back to his room, but I had planned on sleeping in the spare room that night, and that idea definitely went out of the window.

            You know what happened next so I won’t bore you with all the details. The next day I woke up to leave and there were 16ish inches of snow on the ground. There was no chance of me leaving for an entire day more. unfortunately I drank the only bottle of booze the night before. Mr. Wasted and I spent that day recalling the events of the night before. He cooked for me twice, and we lounged all day watching movies as it continued to snow all around us. Fortunately for me, he had a snow blower and was able to get my car free for the next day when the roads would finally be clear enough for my trek back.

**Being snowed in with someone has proven to be way better than being snowed in alone.

Lady Rule #24:

            When an opportunity presents itself that you think you might enjoy… go with it. Have a good time, and throw some of your morals out the window. Forgiveness is easier than permission sometimes…someone famous said that.

Gentleman Rule #24:

            This man did everything right, he told me his intentions early on in the night. Being a woman I knew exactly what “Let’s get wasted!” meant coming from him, and I made the choice to play along. We had a good time, and that was that. I am not trying to become his girlfriend, and I’m not stalking him now because I want more. We were just two consenting adults in the right place and time. I would like to advise all men to clearly state their intentions with women, so that there is no question about how things will end. 

By Request: The Repeat Offender

Once, Twice, Three times a lady, is exactly what happened that fateful weekend, I was entertained by The Repeat Offender.

I was just saying to my friends that since I was getting a little older, I needed to keep my sex number low, and in order to do THAT, I was going to need some men from my past, to cycle through once again. Three nights later Mr. Repeat Offender (Pilot Al E. Gator) gave me a ring. Not a diamond, a cellular ring. A ring I hadn't received in quite some time, he mentioned the fact that he was soon going to be in a city near me. Could the sex Gods have given me a better gift? I think not.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't interested in seeing the man. After all, it had been a couple years since our last encounter, and even though he had treated me poorly in the past, I had decided that I could have meaningless sex with him, (A much needed remedy to my current non existent sex life) all the while keeping my number the exact same! He was only going to be in town for the weekend anyway. Who could blame me, for being enticed at the idea?

It just so happened that I had most of the weekend off, that Mr. Repeat Offender was going to be around. Again, a big high five to the sex Gods! He arrived, and we met once again, it was several years later, and he looked exactly the same. It was as if nothing had changed, he was still a pilot, still cute, and still a smart ass.

We spent the day with his friends, day drinking on a cold wet, LA day. It didn't take long for me to let him and his friends in on the secret, that we WERE going to have sex at some point that day. I mean come on, why beat around the bush? That's the only reason he called me, and thats the only reason I agreed to seeing him again. I've said it before and I will say it again. I will forgive most people for most anything, and that is exactly what was going to happen that night.

I told him he had to, at the very least, buy me dinner, for me to be able to forgive all of his past transgressions, and if you will recall, there were several on that list. The only little snag in our plan was that he was staying in town with friends, on a blow up mattress, in a living room, with another man... We were day drinking too far away from my home, so whats a guy to do when he's been told that he is most certainly going to get laid, and he has no bed of his own? Well in such cases as this, said man rents a hotel room. That is what happened, he booked a room, at 5 pm, at the Hotel California, for that very night.

We continued day drinking, went to dinner and taxi'd it over to the hotel around midnight. It was a passionate night, and we didn't sleep much. The story might have ended here, but I feel compelled to tell you that Mr. Repeat Offender opened his trap of a mouth one more time to promise me something, that I am SURE he will never keep his word to.

After we had had some really GREAT sex, Mr. Pilot, Al E. Gator, said to me "You know at...35 yrs old once I am flying for Southwest, I think I will be ready." Ready for what I asked...."I'll throw the towel in, and marry you." Now lets just take a minute and catch our breathe. First of all...You NEVER talk to a girl about marriage, until you are good and ready to make it happen. Second of all what am I supposed to say to that? He expects me to be around and still single 8 years from now, when HE is 35 and ready to marry me? Excuse me but I am a completely amazing girl. The chances of my being single and willing to marry his stupid self, in 8 years...alright it might be a possibility, but come on!

I want to marry the man that couldn't live another day without me. I don't want to marry the man that needs to go through a few more girls to make sure that I am "THE ONE", or that he is "ready" to marry.

Please keep in mind, that when this man and I are together, everything just works. We don't stumble around for words, we are completely comfortable, and it is as if we understand each other. At least from my point of view it seems that way.

Why is it that men are so stupid? This is something that I am still, after several years of writing this blog, wondering about. Maybe I am not putting out there those "marry me now" signs, because frankly, I have a lot of shit to do before I'm ready, but I want to be best friends with that man, and know I can rely on that future man. How can I rely on pilot for anything, when all he has shown me is his cute ass running away?

He told me that he was at a point in his life where he was starting to turn over new leaves. Maple or Oak is still to be decided, but I was assured that whichever leaf was larger, that was the kind he was turning over. So far I can't say that I believe him. To an extent, I will say that it was a lovely compliment, him telling me I'm his backup for the long haul. On the other hand....


Gentleman Rule #26

We ladies know that marriage is like a jail sentence to most men, we know you don't even like to talk about it, but...If you find a girl that you think would be an awesome 2nd choice for marriage, because you haven't had the opportunity to meet and win over Mila Kunis (your 1st choice) yet, think long and hard about throwing the word marriage around, in any context. Also if you are going to propose to her as a backup plan, maybe make her feel a little special. Try telling her how hot, cool, and smart she is, it might entice her to the idea a little more. Maybe.

Lady Rule #26

Know that you are awesome at all times. Know that you do not have to settle as a backup plan for some man, unless that HE, is Brad Pitt, or someone equally handsome and very generous with his penis. Also if some man from your past comes along and you feel so inclined to sleep with him, a couple of times for your own enjoyment, DO IT!!! In my case it was totally worth it, and it turned out to be so much better than I had remembered!

The One...(That Ran Away)

Let us go back, waaay back, to the first story I posted almost a year ago. I briefly mentioned a man I referred to at the time, as the Jackass. I couldn't write about that story specifically because I was still very effected by the Jackass. At the time I still worked with the man. Now I am several states away, and I am on much better terms with him. Since then, having dated a good number of people, that all ended up being wrong for me, I now know that The Jackass quite possibly could have been The One. He also happens to be The One, that ran away. Here is his story.

The Jackass is the one that I will compare every guy to in the future. There I said it. He was THAT amazing (when things were good) and he hurt me so profoundly, that now I don't know how to trust any guys.

I met The One a couple of years out of high school. We were both working at the same TGI Fridays, and we were both in different relationships. In fact The One was engaged, at the age of 20! The One made me laugh, and we started spending platonic time together. Soon, I broke off the relationship I was in, because I felt like it was going nowhere, it was complacent. I also had part of my heart on reserve for this military man, I was waiting for, to return, from Iraq.

One night while The One and I were working together, his fiancé came in to have dinner. The One asked me to go over and introduce myself to her. I was hesitant but then marched my little butt over. Now I am NOT proud of what I said to this girl, however its possible that what I said may have saved The One from making a huge mistake with his future. I introduced myself to the girl, said I had heard so much about her and....I might have said...."why don't you let me take a look at MY ring." as in the engagement ring, as in…. the engagement ring that should be mine....Alright already stop hating me! I had no tact and I admit it!

Anyway I think it was the next day at work The One told me that he and the fiancé had, had a major fight the night before...sort of because of me. They ended their relationship soon after. I just want you to know that I truly feel that no one should be engaged at the age of 20. Also FOR THE RECORD, his fiancé was married within the year to another guy, and I'm pretty sure that they got married on the SAME day that she was supposed to marry The One.

Anyway back to the story. I was pretty set on staying single and waiting for my military man to return home, and The One was trying to sway me with his charms. He pointed out that I was wasting time waiting for someone to come home, while I was missing out on the someone that was right in front of me. That pretty much did the trick, and changed my mind. We started seriously dating.

He was the perfect man in my eyes. Let me take a moment to describe The One. The One had blonde curly locks of hair, dimples and calves that were incomparable, and he was a smart ass. Actually, he was the first in a long line of smart asses that I have dated since.

He surprised me, made me laugh, but most importantly he made me feel like no one could hurt me, he protected me, and I liked that. We agreed on everything, including the idea that; if you are not happy in your relationships, you need to get out of them. Life was great, and I was the happiest that I had ever been.

One night tragedy struck, and The One's life would never be the same. I will never forget the events that followed. It was at that point in our relationship that I realized he was The One. I knew that if we could make it through that terrible time, then we could survive anything.

Soon I made the decision to move to Columbia MO, to pursue my dream of becoming an actress. This was a decision made with the support of The One. He was the first person to really motivate me to move towards my dreams. And so, I moved for school, and by spring semester, The One moved to Columbia too. We continued working together at the TGI Fridays in CoMo, we were bartending, and making new friends. I thought we were going to live happily ever after forever. I thought, and often told people, that I KNEW I was destined to marry that man.

To this day, I don't know what exactly happened, but things started getting complacent. I think he was becoming interested in another girl, and I knew the feeling. It was like The One was giving up on what we had made. I felt him distance himself, just as I had distanced myself from my previous boyfriend. I didn't want to admit that things were going south, I tried everything that I could think of to make it better.

One afternoon, I was showering at his house getting ready to go in to work. I heard him knock on the bathroom door, he asked me to come downstairs when I was done. My heart instantly fell. I knew in that moment that it was over. I got out of the shower and went downstairs where I found him sitting with his head in his hands on the couch. I sat down. He told me that I "didn't make him happy anymore". I sat there frozen, not knowing what to do. I was instantly heartbroken for the first time in my life, and I didn't know how to respond.

The One left the house, and I went back upstairs to finish getting ready for work. I sat in front of a mirror, and it was right there that I lost it. I started crying and I couldn't move, for what seemed like an hour. Looking back on it, the worst part of it was that I still had to go into work that night. There was no one who could cover my shift. As I went in to work, I was very composed holding in my anger, frustration, confusion, and unimaginable sadness. Then it happened...one of our bar regulars asked me how The One was, and I lost it all over again. I was crying at work, and no one knew why.

Weeks went by and I continued to be miserable, I was wallowing. For the first time ever, I had lost the most important person in my life. It had the same effects that I think death often does. I think the worst part, was that I had to work with him. Most ex's you can say goodbye to, and you never HAVE to see them again. This killed me. I attempted to be civil, and even friendly, hoping that he would regret his decision. One night while I was working, he said we should talk, and I was stupid enough to think that he wanted to try things again. I was wrong, instead he told me he had started dating another girl that we were working with, we will call her the Hostess. The news instantly threw me into a shock, I hyperventilated from crying so hard. The weird part was that the Hostess actually sort of looked like me. Same build, same hair, same not beautiful, but still pretty, sort of face.

Time moved forward and I was bitter. For the first time in my life I was very very bitter. The One moved on from the Hostess, to other fellow employees, and I took it all with stride.

The One is currently acting as a man slut, in the city of Columbia, MO. He is waiting for the girl who breaks up with him first, as he is proud to say, that girls never leave HIM. I swear, the girl that does this, breaks up with HIM, will have him falling at her feet for eternity.

Then there was a very funny twist in this story, so try to keep up….

The One was dating the Hostess, while I ventured with other men. More specifically think back to the Wrastler #2. I had a very intense relationship with that man, and then we drifted apart. The One and the Hostess broke up, making me feel a little better about the whole situation. At least he wasn't going to end up married to that girl that he had left me for.

The Hostess and I even became friends, after all we had something in common, the One had left both of us, for other TGI Fridays girls. The One and I were even becoming civil, and friendly again. I didn't care anymore about him being a Jackass. I could call him a Jackass to his face, and he knew it was true.

One night the One and I were bartending TOGETHER, and we decided to go have a drink after work, at the local biker bar, Hawgs and dogs, or what the One likes to refer to as; Pigs and Bitches. If you read the Wrastler #2 blog, you know that he and I frequented the bar together during our courtship.

The One and I walked in, and sat at the bar and ordered drinks. Several seconds later he said to me "Did you see who's across the bar?" I looked up and was not surprised to see the Wrastler enjoying a beverage with some girl. I laughed and said "Yep, that's funny". He said, "No I don't think you saw both of them!" I looked up again, and was astonished to see that the Wrastler  #2 was enjoying his beverage with The Hostess! The One and I started laughing hysterically.

We were seated there for about 30 minutes, The One got up to take a piss, and the Hostess came to my side. She said "I'm so sorry I didn't come over sooner to say hi, but I really can't stand *The One*." Then she had the nerve to say to me "…and Elaina... I'm sorry that I'm here with *The Wrastler*. He asked me out for drinks, and I said yes, it's nothing serious, but lets not make a big deal about it."

I was shocked that she thought I was actually going to make a scene or something. I REALLY did not care. After all, the only thing I could think about was if the Wrastler had asked her for butt sex yet...something I could NOT picture The Hostess being game for. It made me giggle.

The One and I laughed off the encounter and the next day, The One texted me that The Hostess and Wrastler had been dating for weeks, and hadn't mentioned it to either of us, typical. Now two girls dating the same guy twice, is a coincidence MAYBE, but later that summer, I moved away to Iowa for the summer, and one very late night, I received a phone call. It was The One. Now think WAY back to a blog entitled: My Not So Imaginary Boyfriend. The One called me from the bathroom, at Pigs and Bitches to tell me that The Hostess was there with MY not so imaginary boyfriend!!!! What was going on with the world? Are the Hostess and I the same exact person or was she just serial dating all of my ex's? I still do not know.

I still to this day talk to The One, it's sad to say but he is the only person, sometimes, that I can talk to. He was the first person to give 100% support of my dream in becoming an actress, and I can call him for a pep talk at any time. I love him. I sometimes dream of the day our worlds will collide again. I know that we will be two completely different people at that point in time, and maybe it wouldn't work, but he always told me to follow my dreams, and its strange, but here I am in the big city, following my "dream" and I think maybe my Dream has changed...

Lady Rule #1

If you find yourself heart broken by the guy who you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with, spend the appropriate amount of time in mourning. Then date, serial date, and be thankful that that ONE showed you, what, TO and what NOT to look for in your future mate. And if some girl starts serial dating YOUR ex's....I have no idea what you should do...laugh at it? That's what I have been doing!

Gentleman Rule #1

If you are thinking of dumping your long-term girlfriend, don't do it on a day when she will be going to work. She might need up to a week of lying in bed watching sappy movies crying, to get over you, but undoubtedly she will need at least that DAY to sob. Also don't give her MORE heart wrenching news while she is working, that is what I call, poor form.

Here is a photo of The One and Myself years ago, it might be the only digital photo I still have of us together! It was from back when we were happy, and it was taken on one of my very favorite nights! The night The One paid a man to allow me to drive his rickshaw in downtown Springfield MO!

Wanted: A Gorgeous Guy to Wrastle With!

Preface: You heard me correctly, I like to wrastle when I drink. This story is not with the first guy I wrastled with, nor was he the last. I have had the pleasure wrastling with several people. I don't know what it is, but I like to show off how strong I am, and my abilities to defend myself, to any hot guy in the vicinity, and obviously being intoxicated is the prime condition to show off said skills. 

Having that knowledge, perhaps now, you can appreciate this story. 

Working at TGI Fridays as a bartender had its advantages. I got hit on more times than I could count, mostly by 50 year old businessmen, from out of town. When a hot guy hit on me, whether he was intoxicated or not, I took the bite. There was a super handsome man who came into the bar every Thursday night. He was with a very loud bunch of older guys. He was playing host to these men for work, taking them out for a good time when they came to town once a week. Said man worked for the Auto Auction. This man, I will just call him Wrastle Partner #2, was pretty flirtatious with me after he had a few drinks. On a couple of occasions he even asked me and the other bartenders to go out after work to the local biker bar for drinks. 

I was clearly attracted to this man, so of course I convinced whatever bartender I was working with to go out to this biker bar. My FirstmateDan, was always ready for the good time, she even coerced me into flirting back with this guy. Whenever these nights would come along, that we joined the wild men at the biker bar, Wrastle Partner #2 always footed the bill, and charmed us all night long. 

I think I need to take a minute to describe Wrastle Partner #2. He was the kind of guy who HAD to be quarterback of his football team in high school. He had a gorgeous face, and a body that matched. For maybe the first time ever, I would soon be seeing (and by seeing, I mean having sex with) the "It" man. He was successful with his job, charming and could land any girl he wanted. He was also a cocky asshole. 

***Note*** There seems to be a trend developing, I think I just found my type....Cocky asshole. 

Anyway The night came when I was out celebrating my birthday. Wrastle Partner #2 happened to be at the biker bar, which had become a standard stop in my bar circuit (They had a karaoke night!). I was turning 24 at midnight. FirstmateDan was there, and helped make it clear that it was my birthday. That night, Wrastle Partner #2.... asked me to go home with him. Now, please keep in mind we had been flirting back and forth for months at this point! I was shocked and ecstatic at the thought. I was also drunk. 

I think that this is also a trend. Yes I often sleep with people for the first time, when I am drunk. I admit it. 

I went home with him, and of COURSE I wanted to wrastle! Its my kind of foreplay. I am not into freaky S&M or anything, but I like testing the strength of the guy I'm with. I think it's some kind of ancient cavewoman instinct or something. I want to be with a guy that will be able to protect me. Weird I know. Whatever. 

Anyway, there was no doubt about it, this man was strong, and fit. I stood no chance in this wrastling match. We had sex. Great sex. The next morning I was in a hurry to leave, got dressed, and "forgot" my underwear, my favorite polka dot underwear. Clearly I wanted a reason for future contact with Wrastle Partner #2. 

I had never exchanged numbers with this man, so a week went by and I was on pins and needles. He came into my bar, when we closed, I met him at the biker bar, he invited me home with him, but I wanted to keep some power, so I left him that night at the bar with all of his drunk colleagues, and went to my own home, claiming I had a paper to write. That night he Facebook friended me, and our correspondence began. Here is the actual message I sent the man, following the acceptance of his friendship. Thank God the internet NEVER forgets ANYTHING! 

ME:

Wanted!!! Very much alive, polka dots!!!

If you would like to negotiate, prepare yourself! I am a fair, considerate person, but I MUST have my polka dots, and I will stop at nothing to see their prompt return!

Sincerely,

Badass E

He replied: 

If you would have been smart you would have recovered them tonight! Now you will have to wait!! I'm the one with all the cards and I plan on keeping it that way. 

And your number is????

More of a badass,

B

I replied:

I'm sorry that writing a paper took priority tonight, you seemed to have your hands a little full anyway, if anything I was being considerate of your company. Besides you didn't tell me what you wanted in return... I can't walk in not knowing what I'm getting into!!! You have already proven that your wrestling skills are slightly above my own, for all I know you might try to show me some new moves, that I wouldn't be ready for!

Badass E

(Phone number here)                  


The rest of the communication took place via text message. I have no idea what was said, but we arranged another meeting, and I eventually got back my dots. There were several more wrastling dates that ended in sex.

Things were moving along fine, until one day I insisted on him taking me out on a real date. The only time we EVER were in public was at the biker bar. He said "I always buy your drinks, when we go out" I recanted saying that HE wasn't buying the drinks, but his company card was buying the drinks. He didn't like my strong point. The next time I saw him was on a cold snowy Saturday afternoon, he invited me over, we laid on his couch pullout bed in front of his very large T.V and watched movies. I was bitter because he didn't want to go out, so I wouldn't accept his sexual advances. 

That was the last time I remember spending time with Wrastle Partner #2. I continued to see him out and about at the biker bar, but he faded out of my sex life. He had plenty of girls to chose from anyway, and did I mention that he tried to convince me that anal sex was fun? Call me a prude I am NOT interested in that. Try anything once I say.... but then never again!

***Please keep your eyes open for a future story that involves Wrastle Partner #2, and the Jackass, from my very first blog! It's a really great story! To be continued!

Lady Rule #17

If you have the opportunity to sleep with an "it" guy, go for it, but don't be surprised when he pulls typical "it" guy moves like not taking you out on a real date. If ANY guy doesn't take you out in public dump him, as I learned with the Disappearing Enginnerd (see said blog) you are worth being taken out for a night on the town, IN PUBLIC!!!

Gentleman Rule #17

If you clearly HAVE the money to take a girl for a nice night out, you should do it. I'm not saying that you have to spend lots of money, but you HAVE to make her think that you want to show her off to the world. Especially if you are an "it" guy, a lot of girls will feel self-conscious, about you always wanting someone better. If she means something to you, show her that. If she doesn't mean anything to you, tell her that sex is the extent of the relationship!